Tis the candidate for me

In Auburn, someone named Tizz is running for some political office. This is perfect. Given my political naivete, it’s easiest for me to vote for the person whose name most sounds like a sound effect. You roll your eyes, but just look how things worked out for previous candidates Leon Zot and Mildred Whap.

Heck, yes!

Similarly, in Waterville a woman named Karen Heck is running for mayor. Also very helpful. If I can’t vote for a sound effect, I’ll vote for the person whose name sounds almost like a swear word.

Kindling

With all of this in mind, I’ve come up with a new method of counting votes in local elections. You take the number of campaign signs a candidate has out on front lawns, at the side of roads and on traffic islands, and you subtract that number from his vote tally. Alternatively, you could take all those signs and bury the candidate beneath them until he passes out from fear and hunger. Not that I mean for this new voting rule to affect any one candidate in particular. Understand, Mr. Six-Thousand Signs on Webster Street in Lewiston Alone?

McInsecurity

Well, I was going to ride a couple hundred miles on my Huffy to help out with the Dempsey Challenge, but no. Mr. Dempsey asked that I stay away altogether because he likes to be the most handsome man there.

Corpsecycle

So, last Sunday I told you about the motorcycle on Court Street that was covered in such a fashion that it looked like a cadaver in a body bag propped on somebody’s lawn. The very day that important piece of information appeared in the paper, said motorcycle/corpse vanished from the yard. Well played, Mr. Cadaver Bike. Now I look like a complete fool instead of just an average simpleton.

Slammer slam

I’m considering – just considering, mind you – getting in front of the video cameras and reading some of the prison mail you’ve been sending me. Might even smoke a pipe while doing it. I won’t use your names, of course, unless you request that I do. I’ll just help share your thoughts with the free world and possibly make us both famous. Why, the next thing you know, we’ll be doing shaving cream commercials. I’ll be using a regular razor, you’ll be using a spork, or whatever it is you’re allowed to shave with in the clink. But I digress. If you want me to read your mail for the Sun Journal audience, just keep sending me those letters. If you think this is a stupid idea, I sent you a package of fragrant soaps just for listening.