While I was away

You may have noticed that I was on vacation last week. Or maybe you didn’t. Who could blame you? My bosses didn’t realize I was gone, nor did my wife or probation officer. I really need to start making more of an impact. And while I was gone, I missed all kinds of things, including a guy running amok with a pitchfork, knife and billy club, and another fellow who got his nose bitten off in a bar. Not to mention the man arrested for repeatedly dialing 911 to order pizza and talk about his feelings. Plus the moon almost getting slammed by an asteroid. Now that I’m back, you know what we can expect? Garden parties and cats stuck in trees, that’s what. (A day after I wrote this, a cat was rescued from the canal. Count it!)

Cinderella

So, I went and enjoyed this production over the weekend at the Lewiston Middle School. Does that make me less of a man? Probably. But I’m OK with it because it was a good show. The two mean sisters totally stole it with flawless portrayals of petulance and narcissism. Brilliant performances. You just don’t see that kind of self-absorption outside of Facebook.

Fall back position

The earlier darkness means more opportunity to pee outside, fetch the newspaper in your long johns, bury stuff in the backyard and peep in your neighbor’s windows. Beyond that, I have no use for it.

Magic Man

Go figure. Our favorite street wanderer is short on manners. I’m as shocked as you are. This from a follower:

“I was in the stacks today at the Lewiston library, dusting, when I hear, practically in my ear, two very loud, juicy, disgusting burps. I turn around and there is the man in the bandanna who magically appears and disappears around Lewiston. He had all of his plastic bags with him, and honestly, I really think he must have thrown up in his mouth! He just looked at me and went on his way. No apologies offered.”

Binary children

Judging from the number of emails we got on the matter, I estimate that there are roughly 4 zillion kids in the Twin Cities alone who turned 11 on Friday. Which was, of course, 11-11-11. It’s very nifty that your child got to experience such stunning symmetry. However, if you find that your little dickens has the numbers etched into his scalp, you might want to consult a priest.

It’s our turn!

Apparently, it’s not. No casino for Lewiston in spite of all the solid arguments for getting one. We promised to feed it and clean up after it, but the big, mean voters said no anyway. We never get to do nothing.

Mill No. 5

Remains empty with no plans at all. Someone with a few bucks ought to just buy the thing and use it as a hangout. Imagine the fun you could have in there? Playing cards with the boys, maybe put in a few slot machines, bet on football games. . . . I think it’s a swell idea. Somebody ask the mayor for his thoughts.

One of the following statements is true:

Next year, I plan to begin my run for political office.

For the next few days, I’ll be living on an alpaca farm.

I invented the Internet.

I buried Paul.