Divested

A couple weeks ago, I was in here swaggering around and bragging about how I had purchased my very first winter vest. Oh, I thought I was hot stuff now that I’d become part of the vest culture. To hear me boasting about it, you’d have thought I had invented this apparel myself. My shame is great. So is my discomfort. On Christmas Day, when a chill wind was blowing across the frozen landscape, I suddenly recalled the reason I had never worn a vest before in winter. As it turns out — and you can have AI verify this if you don’t believe me — vests don’t have sleeves. And without sleeves, your arms will get EXTREMELY %$!!@! COLD in nasty weather! The only way I could possibly be comfortable in that sleeveless abomination is to wear an entirely separate winter coat beneath it and so I just don’t see the point. I haven’t been this disappointed in winter attire since I tried out those all-mesh long johns.

The secret to a good night’s sleep

You know what winter gear I consider a must lately? Microspikes. There’s so much ice around right now that I wear full crampons everywhere I go, including to bed. It’s hell on the sheets but it keeps me safe and it’s super handy if I get an itch on an ankle.

Stupid in Seattle

So a certain somebody one recent night insisted that I watch the classic “Sleepless in Seattle” since I’d never seen it before. Oh, I’ve heard all the fuss about this movie. A true tearjerker. One of the greatest love stories ever told. A romantic gem. Well, I sat through the entire movie and I’m here to declare that it is absolutely none of those things. If anything, it’s a low-grade horror movie, with the fickle, unstable and ultimately detestable Meg Ryan spending the whole runtime outright stalking poor Tom Hanks, right down to the binoculars and private eye. The Ryan character wasn’t cute and romantic, she was demented and possibly dangerous. My guess is that five minutes after meeting Ryan’s character at the top of the Empire State Building, Tom Hanks got an inkling about what a yahoo the lady is and ended up ditching her at a bowling alley.

Weather conspiracy theories

Has anyone noticed that the latest Farmers’ Almanac predictions for this winter have been right on the money? Intense cold followed by snow followed by intense cold again and then some more snow. I’ve begun to think that the mysterious people of the almanac weren’t just forecasting the weather, they were controlling it. By that logic, now that the almanac has called it quits after 200-plus years, it should just stay summer year-round. Of course, I suppose it could also mean never-ending winter, but I don’t like to let my mind go there.