Bag of Bones

Stephen King’s haunted love story starts tonight on A&E. Spooked out refrigerator magnets and what not. I tell you what, friends. If I experienced one-tenth of that kind of haunting at my place, I’d be spending the rest of my life on your couch. So please make blankets and soft pillows available.

On second thought

Why don’t you just go ahead and make some room in the bed. I ain’t sleeping alone down there.

Spoiler alert

I turned down a chance to play the actual bag of bones in as much as I would have had to lose an additional 10 pounds.

Spoiler alert

That isn’t really a spoiler alert. Or is it?

Albert Pujols

The dude signed a contract this week worth $250 million over 10 years. $250 million! That comes to roughly $136,000 per day. It’s obscene. And more offensive still, it mirrors perfectly the details of my contract with the Sun Journal! Good luck, Albert. I hope they make you write a weekly column.

Albert Pujols

Frankly, I think the Angels wanted Albert so bad in part because there are just so many jokes to be made about the Pujols name. Have you heard the one about the prison inmate?

Britney turns 30

To help her celebrate, let’s all watch the Madonna kiss video one more time. I’ll see you in an hour.

Mars rover finds evidence of water

Great! I’m sick of paying two bucks a bottle here on stupid Earth. Who’s got a really, really, really long straw?

Snow in the forecast

Which means, you aspiring photographers with cell phone cameras will want to send me all your photos of the snowbanks in your yard. You know how I look forward to that each year. So this winter, I dedicated a special email address just for these pics. Send your awesome snow art to [email protected].

Who’s got a ruler?

Is this column up to 15 inches yet? No? Stand by for more high wit.

On second thought

I got nothing.