Unmasked

For two straight days, police in Lewiston received reports of a suspicious fellow walking around downtown in a Halloween mask. Cops investigated. Turns out it wasn’t a mask at all. The dude was just ugly.

I kid!

I think it turned out to be a mask AND he was ugly.

What’s for dinner?

Whomever lost a shopping list near the Lewiston Public Library, not to worry. I have found it and I’m more than happy to recreate it here. You need: mashed potatoes, fish (cod or swordfish), chicken tenders x 2, bacon, bread, tuna in oil, sour cream, wine, smoked salmon slices, garlic, zinc oxide ointment, a banana and . . . well, I can’t read the rest because it looks like a bird may have upchucked on your list. If I were you, I’d just pick up the wine and call it a day.

Is this your shopping list?

I’m going to include a photo of this shopping list just to see if the editors will include it. If they don’t, this whole paragraph will just sound ridiculous. [This paragraph would have sounded ridiculous regardless. But, if you must see the shopping list, go to page 4 — editor]

But seriously

Do you ever spot a piece of paper with handwriting on it and find it next to impossible to resist picking it up? I do it all the time. It’s how I met my wife. It’s also how I caught this exotic disease that’s quickly spreading up my right arm.

Illegal stump dumping on the rise

This is a troublesome matter, but boy. I pictured something a lot more disturbing when I first beheld this headline.

My what, now?

Somebody wrote me this week to relate that they really enjoy my “fine and insightful writings.” I wonder if they’re reading this particular column.

Upchuck

Did I really just use that word? I regret nothing, it’s a beauty.

Lucien Gosselin

It was a pleasure to talk to the fellow this week, but the retirement piece I wrote about him turned into a monster story 61 inches long. From here on, I’m very interested in Mr. Gosselin’s health. Eat right, my friend, and look both ways before you cross the street. Heaven forbid I ever have to write an obit feature about you, it’s going to be huuuuuuge.