DEAR MR. DAD: I generally have a very even temper as a parent, but once in a while, little things build up and I completely lose my cool. The kids look terrified when it happens, and I always hate myself for that. How can I control my temper?

Answer: Every parent who lives outside of a 1950s TV show gets angry at times. It’s an absolutely normal response to frustration.

The key is not to avoid being angry, but to ensure that your anger is (1) properly directed, (2) proportional, and (3) productive. Let’s take a look at these one at a time.

• Properly directed anger is anger directed at its actual cause. We’ve all had the experience of a bad day at work, followed by an infuriating commute, followed by walking in the door and stepping on a toy left on the floor. Who are you going to yell at? Your boss? The traffic? Nope – it’s the oh-so-handy child who didn’t put away his toys.

You can avoid misdirected anger by being aware of your own state of mind. If events during the day were bad, take a moment to breathe before going inside. Recognize and dissipate the build-up, then leave it in the car.

• Anger is proportional when it “fits the crime.” There are plenty of things that cause us to lose control.

Sometimes, the unjustified explosion can result, ironically, from trying not to get angry at all. You see little Jenny playing with her water glass at dinner, but you hold your tongue. Once, twice, three times she tips the glass on edge … closer and closer … . Finally it spills – and you explode.

The size of your outburst was based on the corrections you didn’t make, or only made in your head. Practice allowing yourself that small scold early.

• Above all, you want your anger to be productive rather than destructive. Children have an inherent desire to please their parents. Letting a child know that something has made you angry can be a valuable part of learning right from wrong. But anger that is out of control is hurtful, both to the child’s learning and to your relationship. If angry outbursts get to be a pattern, a sense of resentment can develop in children that lasts for years and is hard to overcome.

Try not to discipline when angry. Anger clouds judgment and leads to decisions you’re likely to regret later. Take time to think so your discipline is reasonable and proportional. And never, ever strike a child, in anger or otherwise. Current research shows that corporal punishment is ineffective at best and counterproductive at worst.

Everyone has to learn how to manage their emotional life, including your children. If they see you not denying or suppressing your natural anger but handling it intelligently, they will learn to do the same.