Every once in awhile, on no particular schedule, we dig out samples of jokes that once appeared as a regular feature of the Norway Advertiser and the Oxford Democrat. In doing so, we are not indicating any change in the theme of the Not So Good Old Days column. Fans who feel somehow cheated by having a column that does not dwell on the awfulness of the past are encouraged to read this week’s offering. We are sure you’ll agree that some of these are the very worst jokes to ever appear in print.

Back in April 19, 1901, readers who picked up a Norway Advertiser would have seen this.

 Spicy Anecdotes

Written by a Man Ninety-Seven Years Old

“How do you like that horse?”

“Didn’t like him at all. You did not tell me the truth.”

“Well, what did I tell you?”

“You told me he was an all day horse on the road.”

“Well he is, but you want a long day and a short road.”

“You told me he was kind.”

“Let him have his own way and he is.”

“You told me he was a good feeder. He has eaten a seven inch post ball through besides his crib.”

“He must be cheap to live on wood. A ton of wood does not cost so much as a ton of hay.”

He – “I think so much of you that I would do anything to please you.”

She – “Do you think so? Are you sure?”

He – “Yes, try me and see.”

She – “Well, I will ask you to go and marry some other girl.”

A man searching for labor made inquiry.

“You don’t know of nobody that wants nobody to do nothing for you?”

“No, but I know of somebody who wants somebody to do something.”

He – “Well, I have heard that you are courted.”

She – “What of it?”

He – “Can you tell me the meaning of courting?”

She – “Yes it is kissing and hugging and hugging and kissing.”

The body of a man was found by some fishermen, three in number. It was hard for either to go up and tell the wife the sad news, so they drew lots. The one whom it fell to went up, told her, and asked her what should be done with the body. At the same time telling her that the body was full of eels. She said, “Bring the eels up to the house and set the trap for more.”

Two men were crossing a pond, when near the shore, the ice began to crack. One of them made speed for the shore, and looking back and saw the other one on his knees praying; – “O Lord, if you are ever going to do anything for Daniel, now is your time, and you must be quick, too.”

The other man says to him, “You fool, don’t stop there to pray and be drowned, get off the ice and then do your praying.”

Says he, “There is some merit in my case, which is not in yours. I wanted the Lord to have credit for my safety, you wanted the whole glory for your deliverance yourself.”

Apart from the body full of eels, which the comedians “Bert and I” told using lobsters instead, most modern readers might find that particular string of gags was as funny as a Dick Chaney interview. But, apparently, they worked for the readers of the day. Did their amusement stem from double entendres that now pass us by due to changes in slang? Were the times so grim and dull that people were so desperate for a laugh that they saw humor there? Perhaps the chuckles were that the editor had the chutzpah to call them jokes and print them.

Modern readers can be somewhat reassured by the knowledge that the heading clearly implied that those were already old jokes when they were printed in 1901. However, apart from the labeled “Spicy Stories,” there were other places in the paper where humor appeared.

But the weekly “Spicy Stories” column wasn’t the only place to get a smile in the Advertiser, not by a long shot.

He Was Slow

Wherefore He Was At First Saddened, but Later was Pleased

She had solemnly promised to be his’n. She had promised it in the sunshine, under the moonlight, in summer and winter, and he had never doubted that she would be true. A number of years had fled since first she promised, but when a young man is working on a salary of $15 a week it takes fleeting years to get together the furniture necessary to furnish a four room flat. The time came when he could hope. He had got enough for two rooms and was thinking they could rent the other two out to a party of plain and homelike tastes when he called one evening to discuss the matter with Britomarte. He found her cold and distrait, like a dog viewing a cat on top of a 12 foot fence.

“Darling, what is it?” he asked as he sat down beside her.

“Nawthin’ much,” she answered as she shrank away from him.

“But I must know. I demand to know. You are not usually like this. What has happened?”

“Only a trifle.”

“Ah, that relieves me! But what is this trifle?”

“Well, I got married this afternoon to Joseph Bones.”

“My God, girl, but do you know what you are saying?” he shouted as he sprang up. “You can’t mean it! You are testing me. Throw your weight on me and tell me that my ears have deceived me.”

“But you were so slow,” she sighed, “and I thought seven years long enough to wait. Please don’t feel bad. Yes, we were married this afternoon, but I will be a sister to you.”

“Will you though?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“For sure.”

“And you won’t expect me to send up bouquets?”

“Not a one.”

“Nor theater tickets nor boxes of candy?”

“Not at all.”

“And I can have my evenings to knock around with the boys and save enough out of my salary to get square with my laundry bill?

“You can.”

“Then shake! You are a noble girl, and if I ever win anything on the races, you shall come in for half. False, false to me who loved and trusted you so, and yet shake again! I’m off to see the town by gaslight. Ta ta. – M. Quade

News from the Norway Municipal Court could get away from somber recitals of the docket in pseudo-legalese. But they sometimes came up with cases a reader would wonder about.

These items from July 5, 1901 and July 12, 1901 that appeared in Advertiser describe some unusual goings on — at least we hope they were unusual.

              Norway Municipal Court

A fine of $5 and costs was what it cost one man to commit the offense of indecent exposure.

Henry Downs and wife, George Slag and Fred Merrill went to Lewiston with a load of junk belonging to Slag. Coming back, they stopped in Oxford and Slag and Downs bought a horse of Willis Wing. Down paid an old watch and 18 cents in money. Slag paid a watch that he bought for a dollar and money that amounted to between 50 and 75 cents. The rest of the pay for the horse was three gallons of liquor. Downs and Slag were both arrested on separate warrants charging them with selling the liquor. Downs set up a claim that Slag owned the liquor and Slag’s defense was that Downs owned it. Wing testified that Slag and Downs were both drunk and both bought the horse together, but he did not know which one had the liquor. The court reserved the decision.

The following week, that section of the paper reported:

Norway Municipal Court

George Slag was fined $50 and costs for selling liquor to Charles Tucker and in default of a payment was sent to jail for thirty days.

The Wing cases against Slag and Henry Downs are not yet disposed of.

A young girl was sent to the Industrial School at Hallowell, last week, but as that institution was full a temporary arrangement was made for her.

Fred Mosher Of North Waterford left his cart out over night and a gang of boys hauled it off going part way down the hill with it and leaving it. He had a half dozen of them arrested. They didn’t deny doing it and the court fined them $2 apiece and costs for practicing mischief.

That’ll show the scofflaws.

As is our custom, we try to exactly reproduce the grammar, spelling, punctuation and style of the original. Commas might appear where least expected and remain absent where we’d expect them if the item was written nowadays. On the other hand, consistency was not considered of utmost importance, so variations of a spelling might appear within one story. In addition, some words were abbreviated differently than today. Where brief explanations of terms are considered necessary, they are presented in brackets [] within the quote. Otherwise, explanations appear at the beginning or at the conclusion, without quotes. Parenthesis () used in a quoted passage appeared in the original.