I’m not one to brag. But this morning I had a cup of coffee in my hand, ready to drink, in less than a minute after I rolled out of bed. Fifty-two seconds, to be precise, shattering the old record of one minute flat.

I truly don’t like to brag, but … In your face! In your face!

I apologize for the outburst. When it comes to morning coffee, my yearslong quest has been to get it as good as possible, as fast as possible. I don’t want to wait by the stove for a tea kettle to whistle at me. I don’t want to wait four long minutes for coffee to steep in a French press. I can’t stomach machine-made coffee anymore and I haven’t used a Keurig since The Incident.

I’m not like other humans, you know. When I first arise in the morning, my brain operates at about 10 percent of its potential (it will soar to a stunning 35 percent later in the day) which boots any kind of complex procedure out of the equation. Who can measure tablespoons or count scoops when nine-tenths of his brain is still in bed?

Waking up has never been an easy thing for me, no matter where I am or what I was doing the night before. I regard as freaks those of you who roll out of bed each day with a song on your lips and a bounce in your step — you weirdos who step into running shoes and hit the pavement while last night’s dreams are still fresh in your head. Who are you people? Where are you from and what color is the sky there?

There was a time when I assumed that everybody drinks coffee in the morning; that it was a natural law, like gravity. As it turns out, there are plenty who don’t care for the stuff. They begin their days with soda, water or fruity concoctions prepared in a blender. Many of you eat a healthy breakfast while jogging in place, scanning the stock pages and having meaningful conversations with loved ones. Others head right for the shower, using water and soap instead of caffeine and profanity to blast sleep from the fuzzy brain.

I want to be like you, but I can’t, so I won’t. I need coffee in the morning and I need it fast. They won’t let me sleep under a table at Dunkin’ anymore (they banned me after the Other Incident), so my life has become a sleepy quest for a fast cup of coffee that is also a really good cup of coffee.

And now I’ve done it. For three easy payments of $39.99, I’ll share my secret with you and utterly transform your life. Please remit (plus shipping and handling) before reading further.

My secret? Cold-brew coffee, prepared in advance and kept chilled in the refrigerator. Pour some of that syrupy goodness into a cup, add hot water and cream and BAM! You’re in the coffee and you’re right eye isn’t even all the way open yet.

Of course, the plan falls apart if you don’t have some kind of gadget that dispenses water at 200 degrees Fahrenheit, but hey. Solve your own problems, I’m barely awake over here.

As long as I have cold-brew coffee in the fridge (one batch makes about a week’s worth), I don’t have to think at all for the first part of my morning. Less thinking, that’s what I’m all about. I like to think it shows in columns like this one.

Meanwhile, I’ve become weirdly obsessed with the morning rituals of others: those who can roll out of bed at 7:30 a.m. and be at work by 8. The really demented souls who get up at sunrise and head straight for the gym. Those people — I’m not 100 percent sure they really exist — who can actually have conversations with other humans just seconds after waking.

Freaks, the lot of you.

But that’s just my envy talking, and my envy has had a lot of coffee today.

Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. He likes his coffee as he likes his friends: bitter. Email him at mlaflamme@sunjournal.com.

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