DEAR ABBY: My husband recently began carrying on his phone conversations on “speaker mode” when he got his new cell phone. As a result, I end up hearing most of his conversations in our small house or while we’re driving in the car.

Often, while he’s talking to his mother, I have overheard her tell him to keep several things she has said to him secret from me. She has no reason to do this, as most of the things she asks him to hide from me are inconsequential and have nothing to do with me. Occasionally, she even confesses to him that she went ahead and did something I specifically asked her not to do – especially in matters concerning our children.

This situation has left me feeling angry and hurt, especially since my husband feels that his mother is doing nothing wrong by asking her son to keep secrets from his spouse. While my husband made vows to me, I can’t help but feel as if he thinks it’s the other way around. I feel like my mother-in-law’s behavior, and my husband condoning it, has put a strain on my marriage. Am I wrong to feel this way? – ANONY-MRS. IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONY-MRS.: Because your husband is carrying on his conversations with his mother over a speaker phone, it should be obvious that he is not trying to hide anything from you. Your mother-in-law is playing a childish game with her son, who should have put an end to it many years ago by simply saying, “Mother, I don’t keep secrets from my wife.”

However, if you are wise, you’ll choose your battles carefully. As things stand, you are fully aware of what your mother-on-law is up to. And if I were you, I’d keep it that way.



DEAR ABBY: Our 17-year-old twin son and daughter met with military recruiters who came to their school and made the military sound exciting and glamorous. They are now saying that after they graduate next year, they want to join the military instead of going to college. They have even put up military posters in their rooms that they received from the recruiters.

My husband and I are horrified. We cannot stand the thought of them going off to war, and do not believe that war is the answer to the world’s problems. It will be a year, and hopefully the novelty of the idea will wear off by then. However, I don’t want to take a chance. How can I counter the idea? – CLEVELAND MOM

DEAR CLEVELAND MOM: Before your children commit themselves to the idea that the military is all foreign travel, shiny medals and glory, they should see firsthand that there is a more serious side. Contact your nearest veterans hospital and inquire about you and your children paying some visits and volunteering to help wounded vets. It may be a sobering experience, but it should open their eyes in no time flat.



DEAR ABBY: I’m an administrative assistant and often take calls for my boss. He usually asks me to tell the caller he is not in the office or to send them to his voice mail.

I’m a terrible liar and not very good at making up excuses for him. I usually stammer or stutter when I’m lying. What can I tell these people and still stay true to myself? – S-S-S-STUCK IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR S-S-S-STUCK: It isn’t necessary to lie to the caller your boss wishes to avoid. Simply say: “Mr. Crockett is not available at this time. If you’d like to leave a message, I’ll connect you to his voice mail so nothing gets lost in translation.” That way you are not lying; you are facilitating the caller.



Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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