Recently I was working with a couple that was doing pretty well, yet had a brief conflict earlier in the week. Before we could even celebrate their progress, one of them wanted to jump right in to talking about the conflict earlier in the week.

I asked them to stop for a moment and consider something: Are you bringing this up to finish cleaning up the conflict or only serve to stir up the conflict?

There are several mistakes couples usually make that will stir up a conflict instead of cleaning it up.

• Bring up the same conflict over and over, called conflict rehashing.

• Bring it up when other conflicts arise.

• Beat ’em with your “angry stick.”

• Tell other people about it until you get someone on your side. It’s OK to talk to others to try to get some clarity, but not to rally people to your side.

• Never, ever let it go.

• Don’t talk about it at all and let the resentment build and build.

Just as there are many ways to stir up a conflict, there are many ways to clean up a conflict.

I have a friend who once he has settled a conflict with someone his last words are “and now we never have to talk about it again.”

• Talk about it. Talking about it can often take the power out of a conflict.

• Give up your commitment to always be right now matter what.

• In a long-term relationship you do not always have to see things the same way. You do, however, have to be able and willing to “crawl behind the other person’s eyes” and see it through their eyes.

• When you are getting blasted by your partner, instead of blasting back or shutting down, ask, “Is there more?” This one, when you can get yourself to do it, can really diffuse a conflict.

• Find a compromise that works for both of you by meeting as many of each others needs as possible.

• Do some make-up kissing and/or making love. This is a great way to put some closure on the conflict.

And then you never have to talk about it again.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. Visit his Web site at jeffherring.com.