When couples come in for their first session, they typically come ready to air their complaints and gripes about the other person.
Two questions I ask a couple in the first session are, “How did you meet?” and “What attracted you to each other in the beginning?”
This surprises many couples at first, but my goal is to begin to help them focus on the strengths and positives in the relationship before we get to the problem areas.
Let’s look in on how this went in a first session with a fictional couple.
Me: “How did you two meet?”
Bob: “We met in college through some mutual friends.”
Me: “What first attracted you to each other?”
Mary: “I thought Bob was a good-looking guy and he made me laugh. He was very spontaneous and fun-loving.”
Bob: “Mary was really pretty and laughed at my jokes. We had a lot of fun together. She helped me to be more serious about the future.”
In our search for a partner, we are sometimes drawn to someone with complementary characteristics. The complementary characteristics in this case are Bob’s spontaneity and sense of humor and Mary’s stabilizing, future-focused view.
Those characteristics can become problem areas in the relationship.
Me: “What seems to be the struggle for the two of you?”
Mary: “Bob is so irresponsible, he never takes anything seriously anymore, including me!”
Bob: “It’s just that I am so tired of being nagged all the time. She is no fun anymore!”
Next, I ask them to remember when and if the relationship was working.
I then help them to identify and verbalize what specific things each partner did or said that made the marriage work.
After that, I ask what is called the “miracle question,” that is, “If a miracle happened tonight while you were sleeping, and tomorrow morning your relationship was like you want it to be, what would be different?”
The miracle question allows us to focus on goals for the relationship. I usually send people home with the suggestion they continue the conversation about two things:
1. What first attracted them to each other?
2. How would they like the relationship to be?
Visit Jeff Herring’s www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more tips and tools for your relationship.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
Comments are no longer available on this story