Emotional affairs begin innocently enough. Two people start talking and sharing about their lives. Nothing wrong there necessarily. It’s when boundaries begin to be crossed and the relationship begins to take on new meaning that the slippery slope begins.
Here are some warning signs of an emotional affair.
• Thinking or saying, “we’re just friends.” These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize is also spelled “rational lies.”
• Thinking and daydreaming about the person more and more often. This should be a huge clue. Do you think and daydream about your regular friends in this way?
• Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person. If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.
• Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day. This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.
• Sharing intimate emotions. This flows naturally from this person being your primary emotional confidant. Because emotional affairs can be harder to break than purely physical ones, you can get trapped right here.
• Sharing intimate problems. Especially dangerous if you are sharing problems in your marriage or relationship with this other person.
• You believe that this person understands you much more than your spouse. This belief draws you away from your partner and toward the other person.
• Keeping secrets and covering up. Secrets bond two people together against a third person.
• Giving gifts you would not normally give to a friend. Things to wear, jewelry, and other intimate gifts come with a message: we are very close.
• Spending more and more time alone together. This is the one that pushes most people over the edge. The temptation and availability of time alone is too much to resist.
If you see yourself in almost every one of these signs, you are probably already in the middle of a full-blown affair. Someone is going to get hurt no matter which way you turn.
If you see yourself in half of these signs, you still have a small window in which to shift your gears into reverse and back out of the situation. Set some firm boundaries for yourself so you do not slip back in.
If you see yourself in one to three of these signs, you need to turn around and go the other way. Pay attention. Get help if you need it.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
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