KANSAS CITY, Mo. – Parents will recognize this query, grown astonishingly frequent in recent years: “Can we have a sleepover?”
By the time a child is 7 or 8 years old, it’s a request as certain as the setting sun, as sure as the stroke of midnight, after which most of these wired and wide-eyed kids are still giggling, poking one another through their sleeping bags and sneaking cookies.
Nowadays sleepovers are a rite of passage that has nearly become a “right,” one that stretches past middle-school age and into the high school years. The first successful sleepovers are milestones for kids, who prove to themselves they can handle a little independence from their parents. And sleepovers gel friendships.
“A sleepover is a kind of bonding,” said 19-year-old Jeff Westerhaus as he thought back to his first sleepovers in grade school. “Being with people your own age, staying up as late as you can, eating what you want.”
No doubt sleepovers have lasting impacts: Even adults carry vivid memories of their first sleepovers. They recall being fascinated by the goings-on in other homes. And sleepover lore almost always includes stories of middle-of-the-night pickups, the kids who just couldn’t make it.
Allison Godfrey, a mother of two daughters, was one of those kids.
“I was probably 6 or 7,” Godfrey said about her attempted overnight with her friend, Pam. “I couldn’t sleep, and I got freaked out that I wasn’t at home. My friend tried to calm me down. My dad had to come and get me, which is maybe why I didn’t do too many sleepovers after that.”
Somehow, sleepovers transformed from rare and special events a generation ago to weekly happenings. In kid-clogged cul-de-sacs across the nation, everybody seems to be sleeping, or not sleeping, at somebody else’s house. A late-night pickup doesn’t dissuade today’s parents from trying again and again.
Some experts see positive developmental reasons for sleepovers.
Sleepovers are indeed a good way for youngsters to collect experiences outside the family, assuming children are in a safe environment, said Deborah B. Smith, associate professor of sociology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. These are experiences they can discuss with their parents, who are their moral compass, she said.
Martha Barnard, pediatric psychologist at the University of Kansas, said parents should observe several other cautions in agreeing to sleepovers. Age is one concern. Barnard recommends putting off sleepovers until age 9 or 10, when youngsters can more readily handle being away.
Sleepovers at 5 and 6 are too early, she said. Barnard also believes sleepovers should end by high school. I don’t think parents can watch the older kids very well,” she said. “They’re sneaking out at night.”
Ed Christophersen, psychologist at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, is no fan of sleepovers.
From rescuing kids who can’t get to sleep to rounding up teens who have escaped the house, the negatives might outweigh the positives, he said. He recalled his own teenage daughter slipping out of the house where she was staying, only to be stopped by the police.
Most of the “benefits” of sleepovers could be achieved just as well without the sleeping-over part, Christophersen said. That is, allow youngsters to have all the fun they would have at a sleepover, then pick them up at an agreed-upon time.
Mention a sleepover experience and Tammie Huggard, whose children are 11, 12 and 15, probably has a story. She has hosted many a successful sleepover, and she understands the lure for children. Sleepovers are a step beyond the fun of regular playtime, she said.
Huggard is also familiar with the drawbacks. Her oldest was an early grade-schooler when a sleepover he attended featured a “Jurassic Park” video, a movie that was too scary for him. The pickup call came at 3 a.m.
Huggard came up with an idea she has used, especially for younger children, that she calls the “half-sleepover.” It’s a notion Christophersen would appreciate. The sleepover proceeds as usual, even to the point of climbing into pajamas, but at bedtime, everybody goes home.
“That’s been good for kids who were a little apprehensive about being away from home,” she said.
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