OK, I must admit, I’m a transplant from upstate New York. I’ve lived in Maine for seven years now, happily, for the most part. But, I’m particularly cranky right now because I can’t get a good Buffalo-style chicken wing in this culinarily challenged state. Sure, bars and restaurants all over town sell “Buffalo wings”; but let me tell you, they’re not Buffalo wings. For the record, here’s what constitutes a Buffalo wing (just “wing” from here on out):

Firstly, a wing is always properly cut. The avian hand (the part you don’t eat) is simply never served. Ever. Wings consist solely of dismembered “upper arms” (humerus) and “forearms” (radius and ulna). Fact is, it’s just too darn messy to rip whole wings apart. And most women want nothing to do with this caveman method.

Secondly, wings aren’t breaded. Ever. (I don’t care what Hooters sells – their main product ain’t wings, people.) The breading gets soaked in hot sauce, becoming a slimy mess. A total turnoff for the purists.

Thirdly, wings have to be crispy, deep-fried crispy. A mushy wing is like a flaccid handshake in the rain – unsettling.

Lastly, the Buffalo sauce should be a Frank’s Red Hot base. Tabasco is a no-no.

If a local restaurateur were to follow these four standards, I can guarantee more wing sales, and at least one patron for life.

Granted, at 159 calories per wing, this letter to the editor is not safe for consumption.

Kris Kucera, Lisbon