THEY BE ILLIN’

NESN coverage showed a visibly nauseous Daisuke Matsuzaka struggling through the early innings Friday night. Turns out he was having sympathy pains for Texas manager Ron Washington after learning that some dude named Ian Kinsler leads the Rangers in home runs.

YOU AREN’T IN OXFORD COUNTY ANYMORE

Patrick Dempsey is the honorary pace car driver for today’s Indianapolis 500. Pretty shrewd choice. This was the only way to get anyone in Buckfield to watch an Indy race.

WORTH EVERY PENNY HE WON’T GET

Nine-year NBA veteran Rashard Lewis will test the market rather than accept a $25 million contract extension with Seattle. Lewis chose free agency over deportation to Kazakhstan, a guaranteed contract with the Washington Generals and the priesthood, all of which beat returning to the Sonics.

WHEEZE KID

Philadelphia Phillies southpaw Jamie Moyer defeated the Atlanta Braves on Friday night for the first time since 1987. In other words, when he was Mike Mussina’s age.

NEGATIVE CONTACT

Florida A&M men’s basketball coach Mike Gillespie was arrested Friday on charges of stalking a woman. The NCAA also is investigating the possibility that Gillespie might have committed a recruiting violation by sending her text messages.

HOPE YOU SAVED SOME CASH, MAN

George Steinbrenner proclaims that Yankees general manager is “on a big hook” after his rotisserie team’s 21-25 start. “He wanted sole authority,” The Boss added. “He got it. Now he’s got to deliver.” After hearing the last words of that interview, Cashman promptly sent his resume to Domino’s and Papa John’s.

FUNNIER THAN FICTION

A former stripper has been sentenced to 40 months in prison for trying to embezzle more than $1 million to launch a NASCAR team. No, really. I swear. If I could actually write satire that delicious, I would be collecting royalty checks for “South Park.”

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