What evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Police were sent to East Avenue in Lewiston last week after a woman reported she came home and spotted a “shadowy figure” moving around at one of her windows. Nothing much came of the call, likely because the correct terminology was not used. It has always been my experience that shadowy figures skulk, slink, prowl, steal, lurk, creep, glide, inch, slither, shuffle and stalk. They don’t merely “move around” like garden variety ne’er-do-wells. That call was an insult to shadowy figures everywhere.

Weirdest one yet?

Got this message on Facebook from a guy who once asked me if I’d be willing to play wrestle with him just for fun. “Hi, Mark. I like to know if I can fake give you a haircut.” Regrettably, I’m probably going to have to decline this gracious invitation. Because, reasons.

Whipper snapper

Well, it finally happened. On Wednesday, I typed up an arrest report for a young lady who was born in 2000 and yet who was old enough to appear in the police log. Is it me, or is that just weird? These past years have flown by so swiftly, I half expect that someone born in 2000 should still be toddling around in a diaper. Maybe she WAS toddling around in a diaper when she was arrested. The police report didn’t say one way or the other.

Insert coin

Early Tuesday, I wrote my weekly column about a bogus emergency call, made from a phone booth, that sent police scrambling to hotels in both Lewiston and Auburn. The story had everything, from flying bullets to men locked in car trunks, yet the overwhelming majority of people who wrote in response to the column had just one question: Where the hell did the prankster manage to find a working phone booth around here? Ya got me, brothers. The last time I used a phone booth, it was to report that someone had stolen a game of Pong out of my 1978 Chevy Vega.

4 Sale

Rumors are flying that the Sun Journal is once again up for sale. This is troubling since I’m still grappling with abandonment issues after the Costellos jumped ship in August. Is it something I said? Is it my hygiene lapses? Because I’m almost due for my biannual shower. I can change.

Lottery winner

So, a 20-something from Topsham won a $450 million lottery jackpot while living in Florida. Don’t you just hate this dude a bit for no rational reason? It seems like if you’re a young man fleeing from Maine winter, you ought to have to scrape a little to get by.

Kiss my grits

So, some yahoo impersonated Sheriff Eric Samson, using a southern accent in an attempt to coax money out of hapless citizens. Samson is an excellent sheriff and they made quick work out of this scam, but forevermore, whenever I have to do business with Mr. Samson, I’m going to be picturing Flo from that old show “Alice.” Which I guess is a little better than picturing Daisy from the “The Dukes of Hazzard.” That would really complicate our professional relationship.

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