I’m going to make it after all

Don’t you hate it when you’re driving your car and it’s really bright outside but you don’t have any sunglasses? So you grab the nearest set you can find, which turns out to be your wife’s gigantic Mary Tyler Moore glasses? The super huge ones with the dark brown frames? And later, when you get out of your car, you forget that you’re wearing them? So you wander around the city wearing glasses that your 108-year-old great aunt would consider the height of fashion?

To the good people of Androscoggin County Superior Court, to the ladies of the YMCA and to anyone who had the misfortune of driving on Turner Street in Auburn Wednesday afternoon, I apologize for the fright. I never meant to be THAT girl.

The scariest e-bbreviations 

Well, well. A group of Lewiston city councilors has been using e-mail inappropriately. These people are like teenagers: can’t turn your back on them for five minutes. Fortunately, the Freedom of Access Act is there to serve as net nanny. I haven’t seen it for myself, but I’ll bet some of the correspondence looked a lot like this:

Councilor A: ne chance u can loan me your tap for my wknd kegger? plz?

Councilor B: lol. Sure, y not?

Councilor A: ty! ur the best, imo!

Councilor B: rofl! u2.

Councilor A: omg! We just got an foi from the sj!

Councilor B: S.O.B.!

The FOI, ladies and germs. Nothing to lmao at.

Shark Week

That special time of year is here where documentary producers unveil the latest clips featuring great white sharks that actually fling themselves out of the ocean to suck seals and Frisbee players right into their grinding gullets. It used to be the only things you needed to worry about at Old Orchard Beach or Popham were seagulls and over-exposure to banana hammocks.

I’d play it safe and hang out at Lake Auburn, but out there they have snipers with clearance to shoot you if you so much as dip a toe into the water. Thank God we never have beach weather here anymore.

Bing this

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Microsoft has flattered the hell out of Google with this inferior rip-off. Bing.com displays all of its search options in a way that might make some believe it is Google with pretty, slow-loading pictures on the page. Halfway into your search endeavor, you will see that Microsoft requires the user to install some of its crappy software and there you have it: Write “Bill Gates is a crook” in the search field, go back to Google and sin no more.

Calling all freaks

August around here is a time for freakiness and we all know it. A mutant beast here, a UFO there, a village of tiny cannibals found living in the Lewiston canal. The tally this year so far is one ghost chick in a wedding dress hitchhiking along Route 26 in Poland. That’s a good start, people, but I think we can do better. When it comes your way, please remember to forward your August wackiness to me. I’ll give your phenomenon the attention it deserves, and together we’ll get to the bottom of it. Because I’m a journalist, dammit.

Also, I’m looking for another spot on the History Channel and possibly a shaving cream commercial.

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