DEAR ABBY: I had cause recently to see a psychiatrist. When he took my history, I revealed that at age 12, I was raped five times by an older brother.

The psychiatrist objected to my using the word “rape,” and told me the correct terminology was “molested.” To me, being molested is far less severe an intrusion than being forced to submit to intercourse.

Could it be denial on the psychiatrist’s part? Don’t people get sent to prison for raping women – not “molesting” them? Is this kind of thing widespread among psychiatrists? – OFFENDED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR OFFENDED: I hope not, because instead of acknowledging what was rightfully a very traumatic event in your life, that doctor chose to argue semantics. My Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition) defines “molest” as “1: to annoy, disturb or persecute esp. with hostile intent or injurious effect; 2: to make annoying sexual advances to; esp: to force physical and usu. sexual contact on.”

While the doctor was technically correct, it was more important for you to feel comfortable than for him to “one up” you. If I were you, I’d continue interviewing psychiatrists because this one appears to lack empathy.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding – that’s not the problem.

We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to “settle up” for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.

Because I had no way of paying, I told her I’d try and send something soon. I wasn’t planning on this added expense and was not warned that I’d be asked to pay for a fifth of the shower. What should I do? – NOT A BRIDESMAID

DEAR NOT: As I see it, you have a choice. You can ignore the request, or smash your little girl’s piggy bank and send the maid of honor the contents. I recommend the former.

DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. Condolences were offered in the form of flowers the day before the obituary was published requesting donations be made instead to the American Cancer Society.

The response to my offer when I inquired about the delivery address was: “The son is hosting a dinner Thursday night. Instead of flowers, why don’t you just send over dessert?” I did as requested, but was somewhat perplexed.

I felt I did not appropriately honor his mother. Are condolences, such as flowers, strictly for the bereaved – meaning what they want is what they get? Or are they more about tributes and messages of respect about the departed? – CONFUSED IN BELLAIRE, TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: The time to show respect for the departed is while they are still with us. Funerals and the rituals that accompany them are to comfort the living.

DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, sleep in their mother’s bed at night. (They do have rooms of their own.)

When my son and daughter-in-law go on vacation this summer and I baby-sit, do I have the right to try to get them to sleep in their own rooms? – SOLO SLEEPER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR SOLO SLEEPER: Absolutely. I wish you luck!



Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.