You know what? It occurs to me that the criminals in this area could really use a spokesperson. They should get together in a dark place and appoint someone articulate and clever to represent them in the media.

Pay attention, miscreants. This is a great idea. All you drug dealers, crackheads, burglars, swindlers, deviants, firebugs and others really need to have a say when it comes to matters of crime news.

This would be a great job for someone trying to while away long months or years of probation. Need to live within the law for a year and a half? Stay involved with your outlaw friends by working up press releases and submitting to interviews before television cameras.

You don’t need a haircut or a new suit. You’ll be the mouthpiece for hookers and goons, not executives or businessmen. Keep that flyaway beard and the crazy tattoos. Yours will be the face of the criminal network when the press comes hunting for sound bites.

This is one of those concepts that should have been developed years ago, like mustard and ketchup bottles that prevent gross juices from flowing onto your burger.

Think about it. When there’s big mayhem downtown and a lot of people get locked up, the first ones you hear from are cops. They utter claims of bravado before reporters who are so excited they drool on their notebooks and occasionally wet themselves.

Police and prosecutors lay out the exact manner in which things went down and we reporters play it up in news stories with telling photos and giant headlines.

“Police say thieves cried like babies after caught in the act,” one headline might proclaim. Or: “Investigators say crime was solved because cops are smarter than crooks.”

Come on! Are you going to just stand there with your rap sheet and tolerate this treatment? Have you nothing to say in your defense? Why is there no criminal spokesperson out there to give an alternate version of events and maybe throw in comments about a police officer’s breath once in a while?

I’ll tell you why. When things go down, criminal suspects are typically bundled into cruisers and hauled to jails. They are dressed in goofy orange suits and made to sit quietly, far away from the frothing press. Getting an interview with a jailed suspect is not easy. His family and friends usually want nothing to do with the clot of reporters milling around the crime scene.

Lawyers for the accused are seldom any help. A typical comment from an attorney goes something like this: “My client looks forward to proving his innocence at trial. Unless we offer a plea first. In which case, I have no comment.”

Useless. This is where the criminal spokesperson comes in. This is where the man behind the bars finally has a voice in the public arena.

“We dispute the assertion of the cops that they outwitted us,” the man with the tattoos and the flyaway beard might say. “An officer was in the process of buttering a bagel when he drove into the suspect’s car. It was a total fluke. Had the officer been on a low-calorie diet, the crooks would have gotten away with the loot. Also, his breath was really nasty. “

It’s a thing of beauty. Reporters like myself would screech with glee. The ongoing exchange between cops and criminals would be a delight for readers. Not to mention, educational.

The concept is not as absurd as it sounds. Every group out there seems to have a spokesperson these days. Try to get a comment from a gravedigger, he’ll refer you to the Interment Society for a Better Eternal Rest representative. Or something like that.

All a candidate for the criminal spokesperson gig needs is a respectable rap sheet and a good rapport with people. After that, it’s a matter of putting a spin on the story and trying to best represent the crooked clientele.

“My client disputes he was carrying eight pounds of coke and three guns in his pocket inasmuch as he was wearing only socks at the time of arrest,” for instance.

I’m getting excited just thinking about this idea. Quotes like that make a ho-hum story an outright page turner. Nothing is finer than the “he said, they said” fireworks of one group dueling another in a battle over public opinion. Things could quickly get out of hand.

“He didn’t do it,” the crime spokesperson says.

“Did so,” retorts a cop.

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yuh-huh.”

“I am rubber, you are glue …”

The sooner this happens, the better. If you’re reading this, criminal type, please contact your cohorts and see what you can do. Start standing up for your rights and for your public reputation. Have a say in all those news stories about your brethren.

Let me know if I can help. I’ll start with this useful tip: Don’t bother talking to those television news people. No good could come of that.

Mark LaFlamme is the Sun Journal crime reporter. He’ll be back on the beat as soon as he changes his pants.