Grinch steals Christmas
I would like to point out that I was not responsible for using this as a headline above a holiday theft story. I quit referencing the Grinch in such stories around the same time I stopped referring to the weather as Mother Nature. It was hard to quit, but with enough determination and support from friends and family, it can be done.

And speaking of that Grinch…
There are some crimes for which punishment handed out by the court system will never compare to the court of public opinion. Animal abuse and stealing from children, to name a couple, may not draw a sentence of breaking rocks, but eventually you’ll have to face your neighbors, and brother, that’s hard time.

Woman wages battle over bloodsucking pests
Another real headline from the Sun Journal. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for someone to declare war on reporters. Suck, suck, suck, suck…

Rent-a-Husband
The creator of this phenomenally successful business is in trouble over allegations of shady financial dealings. To me, it seems like something called Rent-a-Husband would run into trouble of a more lascivious sort.

Wee wee wee wee
On Bates Street, someone broke into a home and smashed all the smoke detectors. The statement is clear: I don’t quite dare to burn down your house, but God help you if you burn your chicken fingers!

High score
Another apartment on Bates Street was burglarized. Taken were prescription drugs, video games, an albino king snake and a Southwestern hog nose snake. Police will find the thief when they hear of a Vicodin-crazed man running around his apartment being chased by two venomous snakes and trying to push a hyperspace button that just isn’t there.

Things Lewiston needs. Maybe. Probably not.
A week after penning a nearly coherent column about my wishes for a casino in Lewiston, I should point out that I’m neither a supporter nor an opponent of such a thing. I know nothing of casinos other than what Martin Scorcese has taught me. I was only bored at the moment and when I’m bored, I wish for all sorts of things. In the past, ennui has driven me to publicly announce my desire for such things as a public dunk tank, a drive-thru Hooters, an “Escape from New York” style prison, a ceremony in Kennedy Park where the Rev. Doug Taylor burns my runaway bestseller “The Pink Room,” a giant bouncy tent, a wormhole, duels with swords instead of mayoral elections, a water slide, an Androscoggin River monster, a UFO crash site, a Jim Bennett museum, kudzu, a cloning center, telepathic McDonald’s clerks, a ban on ice cream trucks and, once, for reasons I can’t recall, a Captain Caveman statue. Please don’t take these kinds of ravings — or really, anything I say in a weekly column — seriously. My mind wanders.