A virtual paradise

To those who may have been offended by my description of the Hinckley school as a wicked place of torment and madness, I apologize. I’m sure it was and is a wonderful place, with arts and crafts, butterflies afloat and no end to singing. You have to understand that I was speaking only of the school’s reputation in the old neighborhood, where lore abounded. It was also widely believed back then that gum would stay in your stomach seven years if you swallowed it, dragonflies could sew your lips together and kissing a girl in a bikini could make her pregnant. Most of those things turned out to be not true at all.

Those turkeys didn’t just get up and fly away

From the Calvary United Methodist Church in Lewiston, that is, from which four birds were stolen. In a perfect world, with perfect afterlife justice, a person who swipes food from a church would be punished accordingly. In this case, finding out what it feels like to get stuffed and set to roast under high heat.

Major league error

You can say that it was voter frustration that led to the GOP upset win in Massachusetts. You can say that it was a rush of independents clogging the voting booths. But I think it’s pretty clear that the death bell gonged the moment Martha Coakley uttered a public statement linking Curt Schilling to the New York Yankees. You can get away with a lot of crap in politics, but spout a bonehead comment about a Red Sox hero in the shadow of Fenway, the only place you’re going is down.

Suzanne Vega

When I heard she was coming to Bates last week it made me want to grow a mullet, toss on some balloon pants and play a few hundred rounds of Super Mario. I mean, I was going to do all those things anyway, but it was nice to know I’d have a soundtrack.

Google vs. China

Wouldn’t that be a heavyweight battle? Advantage Google, because they have all the maps. Heck, China won’t even have the ability to check online to see if they are winning. Game over, man.

Microsoft sues Tivo

I don’t really know what the dispute is here. I just like the headline. Doesn’t it sound like a computer is taking a TV to court? I see a jury box filled with toasters, iPods and DVDs. The honorable Microwave Oven presiding.

You can’t outrun snow

In Sebago, police tracked down a suspected burglar by following his footprints in the snow for a half-mile before finding the man laying down in the snow. It’s the perfect metaphor for winter, really. All good things come to an end and you just want to lie down and suck your thumb until somebody hauls you away to someplace warm.

The fuzz

Good news! Mold levels have been deemed safe in the basement of the Androscoggin County Courthouse. They picked the green corners off the bread and deemed the sandwich good enough to eat.

I’m all about the metaphor today.