Good morning and welcome to You Gotta be Kidding! the hot local game show where people do things so jaw-dropping stupid, we’ve just got to say: You Gotta be Kidding!

So I’m standing in line at a grocery store. In front of me is a woman with an ice cream cone. And a young son and a cell phone. A seasoned veteran of this game, she worked each of those with brow-raising expertise.

She took in a giant mouthful of ice cream while the clerk rung up her purchases. She yelled at the kid in a voice that could be heard across the store. When her total was due, she started to fumble for her purse, remembering suddenly that she had to pay all this stuff.

She found her cell phone and her eyes lit with excitement. Cheeks smeared with bits of strawberry ice cream and waffle cone stretched up in a smile. She plucked the phone out of the purse and speed-dialed.

Behind me, the first contestant of the game muttered under his breath: “you gotta be kidding me …”

While the clerk and the rest of us waited, the lady with the ice cream, kid and phone began to talk to a fellow named Dennis.

“You want a ice cream? Yeah, it’s good. I’m having one now.”

Ice cream was dripping onto the floor. The purse sat limp on the counter like a giant frog with its mouth open. The phone was pressed to her ear, the kid was tugging on her blouse, the line was getting longer.

The loud, one-sided conversation continued.

“What? No, you didn’t give me enough money for that. No you didn’t, Dennis! What?”

Far back in the line, another customer joined the game: You Gotta be Kidding …

It’s painful to watch, this game. The clerk behind the counter knows that the customers are getting restless. The customers get angrier and more incredulous with each loud word from the lady on the phone. Even her kid, perhaps 5 years old, appeared to be getting embarrassed.

But there she is in her own world, blissfully unaware of everyone else around her. In this world, there is just her and Dennis, working out matters of finances and ice cream while everyone else waits and listens to the annoying drama.

“Do you want an ice cream or what? I don’t have enough to … What? I thought we weren’t going to that? Dennis, we just talked about this last night. What?”

Strangers in this line bond over the moment. They shake their heads and roll their eyes, communicating silently over the rudeness, the mind-blowing self-involvement of the scene. And the scene goes on so long and with so many levels of irritation, I’m not convinced that this isn’t a segment in some hidden camera skit. Any minute now, balloons will fall and a camera crew will come out of hiding. Wow! They will say. Give it up for the patience of the people in this line! And how about a hand for our actress here. Was she convincing as the inconsiderate slob, or what?

But of course, it’s not the work of a television crew. You Gotta be Kidding is played in the real world and it comes to your neighborhood every day.

It’s the guy down the block who leaves his three dogs outside to bark non-stop all day while he’s off at the Dumbass Training Academy. When confronted about it, he’ll become defensive and insist that his dogs don’t bark at all. He trained them himself, after all. They wouldn’t dare scratch a flea without his command. Then he’ll storm off to wherever these people go and the dogs will start barking at the clouds again.

It’s the kid in the car with the stereo jacked up as he rides indifferently through a funeral procession, trying to determine once and for all if loud music really can wake the dead.

It’s the guy on the motorcycle with pipes so loud, it will knock the pacemaker right out of your chest. It’s the young couple who park directly in front of the doors at the grocery store because apparently, being youthful and nimble makes it terribly hard to walk the extra 30 feet from the lot. It’s the driver who pulls out in front of you like he’s on his way to a child birth and then drives 10 miles below the speed limit, texting all his friends to report how awesome he is.

Self-centeredness is the name of this game. You play whether you want to or not. As long as you leave your house today, you will at one point or another find yourself muttering: You Gotta be Kidding, perhaps mingling in a few four-letter words just for fun.

Pity store clerks, waiters and police because they get to play the game in eight-hour shifts.

Coming up next week, the dramatic game show sweeping WalMarts and Denny’s all over the world. Join us for Oh, No She DIDN’T! where the fun is almost unbearable.