Miley Cyrus is 18

Okay, NOW you can send me those photos.

Infested!

Say what you want about Bummah Gurney, the creator of the film and song “The Dirty Lew.” The dude stays on top of the news. Now he’s got a new video out that chronicles (I use the term generously) the infestation of bed bugs in Lewiston. Want to see a six-foot, 250 pound bed bug dancing around Park Street? The video is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_H37tgk4Vo. Could be safe for work, but I’m thinking probably not.

Stopped

What the hell did they do to the traffic lights at East Avenue and Pleasant Street in Lewiston? It used to be such a fine intersection. No matter which way you were traveling, you knew you wouldn’t have a hard time of it. The lights changed frequently but not for long. You always got on your way within 30 seconds so you could go about your business of saving the world or whatever it is that you do. Now, because some fiend fixed what wasn’t broken, you’ll get hung up there for a solid three minutes on a good day.

Bell guilt

That’s the feeling of shame you experience every time you walk by one of the bell ringers outside a store. Doesn’t matter that you’ve handed over fistfuls of money to ringers at other stores, that feeling of guilt persists. And there are very few ways to confront it.

You can take another exit out of the store, you can dramatically pat your pockets to communicate “Gee, I don’t have any change or singles at all today. Probably because I gave them all away to your counterparts at 15 other stores.” Or you can suddenly become very interested in something inside your pocketbook, to imply that you are so busy, you didn’t even notice the bell ringer at all. Doesn’t matter. When the bell ringer offers you a season’s greeting, you will wonder if it’s his way of calling you out for your selfishness.

You can’t win, bro.

Just get a stack of one dollar bills and keep them ready to hand out to the bell ringers. I mean, what else are you going to do with all those ones? You weren’t thinking about heading to the strip club during the holiday season, were you?

Stocking stuffer tips

This year, face masks and bandanas are big as so many people have taken to pharmacy robbery as a vocation. Throw in a sack with a big dollar sign printed on the side and you’ve taken good care of that special thug in your life.

Wet feet

To combat a cold, my wife suggested that I try something called the Wet Socks Treatment which entails — try to stay with me — going to bed while wearing wet socks. The theory is that your body’s defenses will be kicked into overdrive and that they will work throughout the night to restore your health. Which sounds logical, but I’m wary. After all, the tip comes from the same woman who makes me order things like the Pumpkin Munchkin at Dunkin Donuts, and clearly that’s not a real item, right?

Naked guy in car trunk

This spectacle was captured recently through the Google Street View cameras roaming in Germany. Fool! Ever since Google started doing its thing, I’ve been very careful to pull into a parking garage before crawling naked out of a trunk. Common sense, people. Use it. 

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