QI have sons that are fraternal twins, age 2. One plays well by himself, and doesn’t require constant praise and attention. The other one is always looking for attention and gets it by pushing, hitting and taking things from his brother, who just cries. I have tried everything, and I talk to him about how this is not nice, and make him apologize, but he does not stop. Any suggestions? -S.M., Gainesville, Fla.

AFirst, their basic personalities may not change much. Do not expect them to be alike, but accept and work with them as they are. Next, you are expecting way too much in the area of positive social development for their age. Pushing and hitting to get what he wants is pretty normal for your more aggressive twin. Crying to get attention is also normal.

But telling him to stop because it isn’t nice and making him apologize won’t help because he is too young to understand this concept. Stop these verbal gymnastics. He does not have the language and conceptual skills to understand “nice,” or apologies, or reciprocal behavior.

He would understand a firm and emphatic “No,” and removal from the scene. One of the reasons 2-year-olds act out is to get you to respond and tell them their limits. They do something to see what you will do. When you say no, or remove them from the situation, it helps them understand what your rules are.

Year two is often a time of tantrums and power struggles as the 2-year-old searches for limits and his “place” as an individual in the scheme of things. It is a time for you to gently but firmly teach what you do or do not like and what you will not tolerate. Do this by saying less, and acting more.

Right now one is getting lots of attention by misbehaving. He will keep doing so unless you quit giving him so much attention for it. Use less emotion and use minimum words for misbehavior. “No!” Comfort and reassure the “victim.” Divert attention, redirect behavior, and give lots of praise for good behavior.

(Evelyn Petersen is an early childhood and parenting educator, consultant, and author.)