In light of the date directly above my thinning hair, let’s hustle directly to the punch line this morning.

There is no punch line. No April foolin’.

Every organization whose name you’re about to digest legitimately and oh-so-frighteningly exists. Their existence may be confirmed by the most cursory, open-ended Internet search.

No names have been fabricated or fudged to protect the guilty’s dignity or credibility.

We are gathered here to induct a promising, local newcomer into the Task Force Hall of Fame.

Say you weren’t aware such a monument to efficiency and self-importance existed? And where’s our building, you ask?

Don’t have one. Yet. Our committee is exploring the fiscal, social and environmental ramifications of eight different locations. Their discoveries should be ready for public review in 2009.

Nor is today’s induction ceremony slated for broadcast. C-SPAN and PBS won’t touch it, in part because the length of every acceptance speech puts filibusters and pledge drive concerts from Carnegie Hall to shame.

Instantly, a legend

Our guest of honor is inspired by Gov. John Baldacci’s stated goal of connecting every level of public education in Maine. Its objective, a swarm of syllables worthy of its name, is to examine options for enhanced efficiencies and spending reform and consider finance models for universal access.

Say what?

No, say hello to an instant legend, one that needs no introduction because, well, because the sheer depth of its name swallows up the time we’d use to give it one.

Ladies, gentlemen, bureaucrats of all ages, meet The Task Force to Create a Seamless Pre-Kindergarten Through Sixteenth Grade Educational System.

Thirteen little words that say so, uh, so much.

Snicker and guffaw at the flagrant abuse of poli-speak and edu-speak if you wish, but the label drips with good intentions. As is the case with any task force worth the price of its power lunches, the captain of our all-name team was birthed in legitimate crisis.

Maine household income is 10 to 15 percent beneath the national average. Only four states in the union sheepishly sport a lower percentage of citizens with a four-year college degree.

Couple those numbers with the most recent census, revealing a $21,800 annual salary gap between professionals with a bachelor’s degree and those who only graduated from high school, and it presents a profile of the educational system no mother could love.

Big problems, demanding huge solutions under the spacious umbrella of one immense name.

And a playbook too?

Well, make that two immense names. Every titanic task force needs a voluminous playbook, and on the heels of Baldacci’s creation of the education planning panel comes the release of a related publication by the Maine State Planning Office.

“How to Build a Knowledge-based Economy in Maine and Raise Incomes to the National Average by 2010.”

Makes you wonder what’s longer, the text or the title.

Long, winding committee names aren’t unique to our fair state. They know no geographic boundaries. Perhaps Baldacci drew his inspiration from the West Coast (Los Angeles County Solid Waste Management Committee/Integrated Waste Management Task Force) or the East (New York State Legislative Task Force on Demographic Research and Reapportionment).

Like those mighty mouthfuls, our force is upfront about its agenda, conveying the conviction that there is a real threat and that we needed a solution yesterday.

We contemplated a musical interlude at this point in the ceremony. Country legend Hank Williams Jr. offered to perform one of his forgotten gems, “The Coalition to Ban Coalitions.” For the younger, hipper set, we lined up Fiona Apple, who was poised to hammer out a song from her 1999 release, a compact disc with a 90-word title.

But we politely declined, because no worldly weapon can knot the heartstrings or sketch a sense of urgency as neatly as an appropriately named task force. They shout volumes on their own merit.

Task forces help preserve creatures great and small, as evidenced by the Louisiana Crab Task Force and the Declining Amphibian Population Task Force.

They tackle contradictory but equally crucial causes. If you don’t throw your weight behind the Fat Activist Task Force, surely you sympathize with the Chronic Wasting Disease Task Force.

Bring us your issues of life and death (International Anti-Euthanasia Task Force), crime and punishment (Financial Action Task Force on Money Laundering) and warmth and fuzziness (Global Harmonization Task Force). We’ll provide the name and inspiration.

And by the time your preschooler completes her seamless transition from Barney Fan Club membership card to political science degree and joins a task force of her very own, all without being forced to flee the comforts of Maine, she’ll thank you for it.

Kalle Oakes is staff columnist. He may be reached by e-mail at koakes@sunjournal.com.

Copy the Story Link