A: The first step is to deal with it immediately, even if you think the child didn’t see much. Even brief exposure to intercourse can be confusing to children. Very young kids can misinterpret entangled bodies and moans of pleasure as a fight and worry that someone is getting hurt. Older kids who know something about sex may be put off by the idea that you’re a sexual being or may be aroused by what they’ve seen and take it as encouragement to do some experimenting of their own.

If your child walks in on you, here’s what to do:

• Don’t get angry. Tell her calmly yet firmly to leave your room, close the door, and go back to her own. Yelling at her could scare her and make her think that what she saw was wrong.

• If your child bolted on her own, follow her back to her room.

• Reassure your child. When she’s is back in her bed, sit by her side and tell her that everything is fine and that no one was hurting anyone else. Mary Mattis, author of “Sex and the Single Parent,” suggests telling very young children (under 6 or so) that you and your lover were just playing together, and that grownups kiss and hug to be close to each other.

• If she’s older than 6, she might need a more sophisticated answer about what she saw. Answer her questions simply and honestly, using the correct terminology. But don’t offer any more information than she asks for.

• Make sure she knows she can always ask you more later. You may be trying to keep sex a secret from your children, but doing so can inadvertently give them the impression that it’s dirty or wrong – precisely the wrong message if you want them to have a healthy attitude about sex when they’re older.

• Don’t act embarrassed or ashamed, even if you are. Kids need to know that having sex is a normal thing for adults to do. Apologize if, in your surprise, you yelled at her.

• Put a lock on your door or use the one you have.

• Sooth your lover. Your first obligation is to your kids, so you’ll need to explain to your lover that you’ll be back as soon as you make sure the kids are OK. When you’re through with the kids, the two of you need to talk. One or both of you may be freaked out by the whole experience, so discuss what you’re both feeling.

Armin Brott’s latest book is “Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change.”

You can reach him through his Web site at www.mrdad.com.

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