DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and mother who goes to substantial lengths to avoid subjecting my 6-year-old son, “Brandon,” to secondhand smoke. My husband and I feel so strongly about it that we let our nanny, “Edith,” go because she persisted in smoking around Brandon. (She had stated on her employment application that she was a nonsmoker.)

Brandon recently returned from a week-long visit with my in-laws, “Connie” and “Fred,” out of state. They are both aware of my concerns regarding secondhand smoke. When they visit us, Connie smokes outside or sneaks smokes in the bathroom. Before we sent Brandon to visit, I explicitly asked Connie not to smoke indoors during his visit, and she agreed.

When Brandon got home, I was shocked to hear that while he was there – and without conferring with my husband or me – Connie and Fred had invited our ex-nanny to spend part of the week with them. According to Brandon, Edith and Connie smoked in the kitchen and living room in his presence.

I am hurt that my in-laws refused to take our health concerns to heart. My husband wants to keep the peace, but suggests we not allow Brandon any more unsupervised visits with his grandparents. I feel my husband should discuss their lack of candor in agreeing not to expose Brandon to cigarette smoke, and not following through. It also seems odd that they’d invite an employee we had terminated to visit without clearing it with my husband or me. What do you think? – SMOKING MAD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MAD: Although you may be itching for a showdown, I see little to be gained by confronting your in-laws for their lack of judgment during their grandson’s visit. By allowing your son no more unsupervised visits with his grandparents, you will send a strong, but subtler, message. Listen to your husband.



DEAR ABBY: My husband’s sister, “Dayna,” is moving here from her mother’s house, 200 miles away. She says she needs to get away from her mother. My husband, without consulting me, told her she could stay with us.

Dayna and I don’t get along, and never have. I have problems with my mother-in-law, too, and I know that within a few months she’ll be moving right behind her daughter. My husband’s family has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. If there isn’t any commotion in their lives, they have to create it. We moved here to get away from them.

If that isn’t enough, I am due to give birth to our third child any day. I cringe when I think of another adult in our house, because we don’t have room. My husband says he told Dayna she’ll have to find a place of her own within a couple of weeks, but I don’t see that happening. She doesn’t even have a car.

This has caused me super-stress. I would like to enjoy our new baby as stress-free as possible, but it won’t happen with my sister-in-law around. Please help. – ABOUT TO DELIVER IN KANSAS

DEAR ABOUT TO DELIVER: Tell your husband that with your due date so close, having another adult in a crowded house will not work. Then pick up the phone, call your sister-in-law and inform her that with the arrival of the new baby, you’ll be unable to accommodate her after all. Therefore, she’ll have to stay elsewhere while she looks for a job and lodging – or postpone her escape from her mother. Do it NOW. Nothing is more important than your health and well-being – and that of your baby – at this time.



Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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