Who does Lance Armstrong think he is, a boxer?

The seven-time Tour de France champion hinted he might be coming out of retirement recently, about 15 minutes after he actually retired.

Lance needs to realize he is not Larry Holmes. Holmes, the former heavyweight champion boxer, never could stay retired, either. It wasn’t that he always felt like he had one more fight in him. I think he might have unretired a couple of times just so he could announce his retirement again. In fact, I hear he’s down in Del Boca Vista right now training for his next press conference.

The impetus behind Armstrong’s comeback flirtation is French newspaper L’Equipe’s report that six urine samples he provided in 1999 tested positive for EPO. It’s pretty much the most tangible evidence that the French press, which is out to get Armstrong, has found that he used performance enhancing drugs.

Now, I don’t know whether Armstrong is a juicer or not. I don’t really care, quite frankly. I am a bit bothered that he gets a free pass from the American media while baseball and football players are under intense scrutiny. But, hey, Lance is the feel-good story of the century, and no one wants that story to be tainted.

Whether he’s been juiced or not, Armstrong would be ill-advised to take the French press’ bait and come out of retirement.

Armstrong seems to think winning another Tour de France next year would prove his critics wrong. It would, in fact, raise the suspicion surrounding him and make them even more determined to at least darken the cloud hovering over him, if not flat-out catch him sticking a needle in his buttocks.

Barry Bonds is making the same mistake this weekend with the San Francisco Giants. The poster boy for steroid use is attempting to come back from three knee surgeries he’s had this year to continue his chase of Hank Aaron’s home run record.

Bonds’ problems getting healthy have been well-chronicled, with no shortage of speculation about those problems being linked to baseball’s new drug testing program.

Bonds doesn’t want to listen to his body, which seems to be telling him that it’s time to at least take a year off, if not hang it up for good. It’s also telling him he’s damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. If he comes back and hits with noticeably less power, it’s because he’s off the juice. If he comes back and picks up where he left off last year, it’s because he’s on the juice, juice that baseball’s testing program can’t detect.

All Barry and Lance have to do is look at Jason Giambi. He was swinging a wet noodle before the All-Star break, and everyone knew it was the needle and the damage done. Now, he’s the old Giambi darling of New York now, but everyone outside of the Big Apple is looking at Giambi’s second half surge with a skeptical eye.

You see, Armstrong can’t win, no matter how much he wins.

If Armstrong really thinks an eighth Tour victory would prove the doubters wrong, maybe he is more of a boxer than we thought. A punch drunk boxer.

Randy Whitehouse is a staff writer. He can be reached by e-mail at [email protected]