DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and my girlfriend, “Jody,” is 19. The other day she was invited to a party at which she told me she intended to smoke marijuana. She knows I disapprove of drugs and alcohol. When I became upset, she told me to “lighten up.”

I love Jody with all my heart and want nothing bad to happen to her, so I wrote an anonymous letter to her mother explaining the situation. Jody didn’t get into trouble, but her brother did because he had marijuana on him at the time. Because I told her mother what was going to happen, nobody was able to do what they intended at the party.

Now they’re all mad at me. I have been getting hate messages on my answering machine and via e-mail. Jody promised to call me before the party, but she didn’t and went anyway.

I visited her at work and tried to talk with her, but she isn’t speaking to me. I have apologized countless times, saying I didn’t mean for anyone to get in trouble. I love her more than anything, but I don’t feel any love in return. I am very shy, so I find it hard to talk to her. What can I do? – HURTING IN IOWA

DEAR HURTING: You have done enough. It doesn’t take a crystal ball to see that your relationship with Jody is over, at least for now. Please forgive me for being a “downer,” but it’s time to accept the fact that you and Jody are at different levels of maturity and heading down different paths. When and if this girl matures, she may realize the fine qualities you have to offer. But I have a feeling that by the time that happens, you’ll be long gone and in love with someone whose values are more similar to your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 22 years and are happily child-free. We have always lived far from our relatives and see them only every three or four years.

At a recent gathering of my husband’s siblings, his oldest sister (now a grandmother) was extremely aggressive in her insistence that we hold, kiss and interact with her 11-day-old grandchild (her latest). When we attempted to rebuff her with humor, saying, “Oh, we just don’t do babies!” she became hostile and insulting. It made us both very uncomfortable.

Because of this, we are now considering skipping any future visits because her behavior will undoubtedly be repeated. I don’t want bad blood in the family. However, I refuse to be treated with disrespect.

Should we confront the sister and let her know how her behavior made us feel? – NO BABIES, PLEASE, MARLBOROUGH, MASS.

DEAR NO BABIES, PLEASE: Parents and grandparents can be blind to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with small children. Your sister-in-law regarded your reluctance to hold her grandchild as a personal rejection.

Please don’t skip the next family reunion. With any luck, there won’t be any new grandchildren to be forced on you. And if there are, smile and say, “I prefer babies at a distance, in the arms of their parents,” and keep your hands at your sides.

DEAR ABBY: It’s a well-known fact that I don’t drive. However, no matter where I go, people ask me how I got there. I am a very private person and resent people asking me that question. I would like a good answer. Thank you. – FRAN IN BUFFALO, N.Y.

DEAR FRAN: Smile and say, “The stork brought me.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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