By Lindsay Tice,Staff Writer

They’re the most frustrating words ever uttered by a machine.

Your call is important to us. . . . Please hold.

Ever question a phone bill? Tried to complain about a botched TV signal just before the big game? Call the computer company to see why your new machine keeps crashing?

Then you know those words well.

The Sun Journal decided to see just how important that call really is. In other words, how long will they make you wait.

We made calls. Lots of calls. Computer companies, hospitals, schools, government agencies, utilities, a newspaper.

We wanted to see how long it would take to get to a live person, then to get someone in charge. Two minutes? Ten? Longer? Oh yes.

And in at least one case, we’re still waiting.

Our goal: get to a person who can answer questions and deal with common issues. Since customers want someone in authority when they have major problems or ongoing complaints, we also tried to get a supervisor.

We started our stopwatch with the first ring and didn’t press “stop” until we got to the person we needed. Switchboard operators were nice, but the stopwatch kept going until we were connected with someone who could answer billing or other questions.

Shortcuts were forbidden. No pressing zero (unless it was offered as an option). No revealing that we were from the Sun Journal (unless asked or pressed for account information). We got our phone numbers from the phone book and from the companies’ official Web sites.

We chose some common, high-traffic departments in three towns – Lewiston, Auburn and Buckfield – as well as more than a dozen government agencies and private companies. Nearly 40 calls in all.

The Buckfield Village Corporation, a water company for the tiny town, was No. 1. It’s exactly the kind of company every Mainer must deal with from time to time: small, local, serving an essential function (if you want water).

The number was in the phone book, easy.

Getting an answer, not so easy.

At 1:40 p.m. on a Friday – middle of the workday – the phone just rang. Nobody picked up, and after two-and-a-half minutes it disconnected on its own.

We tried again after the weekend.

Twenty-six rings. No answer. And again, it disconnected.

Apparently “small and local” didn’t necessarily mean easy-to-reach. Perhaps a larger utility company would be better.

Northern Utilities, a subsidiary of Bay State Gas, has 26,000 natural gas customers in Maine alone. Surely someone there would answer the phone.

Surely.

The automated recording kicked in immediately. Press one for billing. Press two for a gas emergency. Press zero for customer service.

Zero it was.

From the start of the recording, it took just under two minutes to get a real person. (Woohoo!) Unfortunately, she said the company was dealing with a lot of calls and she was only taking messages. (D’oh!) If we had a question or concern, we were out of luck for a quick answer.

We didn’t leave a message. Days later, we tried again.

In less than two minutes we got to Joyce, a customer service rep who could help. But how about someone in charge?

Joyce required account information before fetching a supervisor. We ‘fessed up as the Sun Journal.

Another minute on hold. She came back not with a supervisor, but with the number to public relations.

How about phone companies? They’re able to deal with phone calls. Right?

Not so, according to Lorna Rankin, project manager for Gethuman.com, a popular Web site that offers tips, tricks and secret numbers for bypassing automated systems. On her site, phone and cellular companies often get the most complaints.

“They’re taking the ‘service’ out of ‘customer service,'” she said.

In general, Rankin said, callers should be able to get a human within three minutes. Excellent customer service means a human in less than a minute. The very best companies give callers someone in seconds, she said.

Gethuman.com has nearly 400 listings in its database, 18 of them for phone companies. Six of those 18 – a third of the phone company listings – were tricks for getting a human at Verizon.

After calling Verizon, we could see why.

Verizon had a recording, but callers can’t just press zero and be done with it. Eventually, we had to speak our request.

Ever had to proclaim “Customer service!” in the middle of a quiet office? It’s embarrassing.

After less than two minutes, though, we got Jeff. He had no problem handing the call to his supervisor.

AT&T was more trouble.

The automated system wanted a home phone number, and it was determined to get one. Eventually – after a lot of repeating (machine) and a lot of sighing (us) – it offered a customer service option. Then we were on hold.

AT&T used the time to advertise its Web site.

“This may be the last time you call about your AT&T account,” the ad said.

Darn right, we thought.

After more than three minutes, we got Vince, a nice but reluctant-to-get-a-supervisor kind of guy. He gave us another toll-free number to call.

It was the wrong number.

We hung up and called AT&T’s customer service line again. This time it took six minutes, 48 seconds from recording to human, more than twice as long as the first time. At least the new rep had no problem switching us to a supervisor.

The company’s spokesman, however, was not impressed.

Utility companies are required by the Maine Public Utilities Commission to respond to calls within a certain period of time, or face penalties. AT&T must answer 80 percent of calls within 20 seconds. The clock starts after the recording ends.

Most of the time, according to spokesman Ed Bergstraesser, their call centers meet that goal.

“It sounds like you had a bad experience,” he said. “I apologize on behalf of AT&T.”

Wait times to speak to a human varied among other utilities. DirecTV took one minute, 15 seconds. Oxford Networks, less than a minute.

But Adelphia took nearly seven minutes; Dish Network almost eight. Buckfield Village Corporation: still no answer.

Maybe utilities weren’t the way to go. How about other companies?

Computer giant Gateway took just over a minute to connect us to a human, but more than five minutes for a supervisor. State Farm, one of the largest auto insurers in Maine, took nearly two-and-a-half minutes to get us a human and three-and-a-half minutes for a supervisor. MBNA, the credit card company, took a minute forty for a human and just under three minutes for a supervisor.

Not obnoxiously long, but the waits weren’t short enough to make Rankin’s “excellent” category either.

L.L. Bean, on the other hand, surpassed “excellent” and went straight to “best.” With no automated system, it took just six seconds for a representative to pick up the phone.

“We have made a business decision to keep that customer contact,” said Rick Donaldson, spokesman for the Freeport-based retailer. “The customer relationship has been at the core of the company for decades.”

On the other end of the spectrum, the federal Medicare hot line.

It took 12-and-a-half minutes to get to a person, the longest wait of any.

“For it being in the middle of the day, that’s not bad,” said hot line supervisor, Eric Burns.

Some local groups had a better attitude. And, like L.L. Bean, no automated system.

At St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center and Central Maine Medical Center, switchboard operators answered the phone and directed our billing question to the right department. In each hospital, it took less than a minute to get through the switchboard and to the right person.

It took less than 30 seconds to get to the right person at the Sun Journal (yes, us). The newspaper also has an operator.

It took just 10 seconds to reach someone at the tiny Zadoc Long Free Library in Buckfield. There, the director answered the phone himself.

Other local groups were automated. Officials there were not happy with the response times we found.

At the Lewiston and Auburn libraries it took just under a minute to get to the circulation desks. The wait didn’t seem long to us, especially compared to the federal hot line’s 12-and-a-half minutes. But library directors weren’t pleased.

“It sounds bad and maybe it’s something we need to look at closer,” said Lewiston director Rick Speer.

At the Oxford County Sheriff’s Department, emergency numbers (911) and lines for the deaf are answered by people. But like many police stations, the dispatch center’s non-emergency line is automated.

The recording was long and detailed. It took us 56 seconds to get through it and reach someone.

Lt. James Miclon, head of dispatch, thought it should have taken 30 seconds or less.

“I don’t think the recording is good,” he said. “The worst thing about it is people have to listen to it twice. I don’t like it.”

At the Buckfield Village Corporation, the phone continued to ring without answer.

So did the phone at the Buckfield Fire Station.

Town Hall staff members offered the number for Joanie Austin, a part-time Buckfield Village Corporation worker who handles billing for the company. It was her home number. She had an answering machine.

After trying for two days, we finally relented and left a message. Austin called us back that afternoon.

With just 185 customers, Austin doesn’t get a lot of calls. But when she does, she said, she returns every message.

She didn’t know why the Buckfield Village Corporation’s published number wasn’t answered or why the phone book didn’t give her number instead.

Nobody ever answered at the Buckfield Fire Station. Because it’s a volunteer department, the town’s Web site also gave a separate number for the chief.

Like Austin, it was his home number. We left a message with the woman who answered.

Weeks later, we’re still waiting for his call back.

So if most companies are too big and too busy to personally answer their phones and other places are too small to staff their lines, is there any hope?

We found some with the Buckfield town clerk, Cindy Dunn, and her novel approach to customer service.

“Basically,” she said, “the phone rings. We answer it.”

The federal Medicare hot line: 12.5 minutes.

Dunn: 4 seconds.

Newsroom Assistant Anna Rodrigue contributed to this story.