Relationships are tough enough without all the reactivity that comes with them. When we react, we are not thinking through our response, we are simply reacting. When we react, most of the time it is not very pretty or helpful.

One of the situations in which it is so easy to get reactive is when a request is made that you do or not do something.

It occurred to me in a recent couples coaching session that there are at least three responses we can make to a request from our partner. Two of the responses are reactive and negative, and one of the responses is helpful. We’ll take a look at the two negative ones and then take a look at the winning approach.

Three responses to a request:

Complain – This is the worst response, yet it is what a lot of people do. This creates an atmosphere of tension, conflict and reactivity. No one enjoys being around someone who complains all the time. What happens eventually is people quit asking for what they want because they no longer want the reaction. This is a prescription for relationship disaster.

Comply – This reaction is better than complaining, but not by much. We comply when we really don’t want to do something yet believe we have to or believe we should. This process sets up a “grit your teeth and bare it” kind of atmosphere. People get confused, because the other person is saying one thing and doing another. The behavior does not match the words.

Honor – Sometimes when I want to explain what a word means I’ll check it out at dictionary.com, which tells us this about the word honor: “High respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.”

So when we honor the request of our partner, we are demonstrating high respect and worth.

Does this mean we always have to do what is asked? Of course not. But here is how to handle it if you are not comfortable with the request:

“I’m not comfortable doing that, what else can we come up with that would meet that same need?”

That is honoring someone.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist. Visit his Web site at jeffherring.com.