Is your family going through a major crisis?

Maybe you just found out your child is taking drugs. Or has a loved one been diagnosed with cancer?

At first, if your child is taking drugs, you might be tempted to rage violently at your child.

Or, in the situation of cancer or an illness, you might feel anger toward God – or rage toward the family member who got cancer because she smoked three packs a day for 10 years.

To preserve your relationships, not to mention your own sanity, try using positive language in talking about the pain.

This doesn’t mean you won’t cry, scream, and kick at horrible challenges coming your way. But, it does mean that words of encouragement should come into the mix.

For instance, a family we know is in counseling together. The teenage son of this family is recovering from an addiction to heroin. We advised the parents last year to tell the son, “We know you’ll get this problem under control. We have faith in you.”

The son has survived rehab and is doing well. He’s back in college. He has a part-time job.

Positive language has the ability to shape our lives. It’s a predictor of outcomes. We don’t mean to imply that positive talk doesn’t need to include language of “tough love.” You certainly can’t act as if abusing heroin is like watching too much TV. You must set boundaries, voice concerns assertively, and stand firm that drug usage isn’t acceptable. But your conversations can include this affirmation to a person using drugs: “Recovery won’t be easy, but we believe you’ll make it through.”

“The rougher the problem, the more verbal support is needed,” says a family psychologist we’ll call Richard. “No family should trivialize hurtful problems, but who’d want to be part of a family that didn’t have faith things could be improved?”

“Better outcomes are always based on the family having a positive attitude,” he emphasizes. “This means they all try to choose their words carefully and bolster each other up.”

Every family in existence will take some serious hits from an illness, drugs, relationship problems, or financial problems. No family is exempt.

When your family is challenged by a major problem, try speaking in these ways:

-Talk about how tough the problem is. For instance, do say, “This cancer is going to be a tough battle.” This shows you’re in reality.

Your family can’t trust your judgment if you’re too rosy about the whole deal.

-Speak your feelings versus acting them out. Go ahead and say, “This makes me feel terrible.” But, don’t resort to shouting or putting your fist through a wall.

Share with your family the impact everything is having on you. Try saying, “This is killing me!” Don’t say, “I feel like killing you!”

-Talk about conquering the problem as a family. Do say, “We’re going down this road together. We’re in this together.”

The family member with a challenge will draw strength from solidarity. Use language that denotes the family is firmly connected, no matter what. A true challenge can strengthen your family unit in the long run. Look at your present situation as an opportunity to grow together, not fall part.

Riding a mean horse, whether cancer or job loss, will require families to dig deeply into their emotional reserves. Positive language will mean you’re using the right stuff you’ve got stored deep in your soul, so to speak.

“You can’t stay in a positive mood all of the time,” says Renae. “With cancer, you’ll feel like cursing the moon, but once you’ve shouted and screamed, get back into talking positively. It will be the medicine you can’t buy, beg, or steal. It definitely helps!”

Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson are authors of a stress management book for paramedics, firefighters and police, “Burnout To Balance: EMS Stress,” published by Prentice Hall/Brady Books. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.