Butt out!

That sums up many of the letters, e-mails and cards I got asking readers for advice on how to be good mothers- or fathers-in-law.

There are plenty of nasty jokes about in-laws and lots of advice on how to deal with the older generation, but not many words of wisdom on how we are to cope with nonblood family members.

Most of us know we should celebrate the joys of having raised wonderful children and seeing them find wonderful mates. OK. Not always wonderful. But the mates of their choice. We are not married to them, after all.

Think of the relationship as a game, says Lenore Wolke of Wayne, N.J. She says when a mother is raising her children, “it is like she is a softball coach. She runs the game and makes sure they get to all the bases they have to and they get their safely.”

Then their sons get married and the mother gets positioned in the outfield. “Their son is at bat, his wife is on first base, his job at second base and his wife’s family are on third base. … Mothers of sons are out in ‘left field’ waiting for the ball to come their way.”

If Wolke feels left out, other readers feel too left in. They complain about adult children who expect in-laws to pay for vacations, special treats, expensive holiday gifts. “How do I tell my son I’m not made of money?” one woman wails.

Here are some reader words of wisdom:

Adopt an attitude: “Stay calm, neutral; steer away from negativity,” wrote Beverly Marsh of Villa Park, Calif. “Mum’s the word! The less said the better. Focus on the grandchildren.”

Don’t take sides: “One of the things that I practice is to not listen to my children complain about their spouses,” says Rosemary Mariano.

Follow the five good mother-in-law rules. From Grace Thatcher of Yorba Linda, Calif.:

1. Let go. Don’t interfere in the couple’s decisions.

2. Be independent. Have interests that don’t include your children.

3. Be flexible. There is more than one way to make potato salad.

4. Cultivate a cordial relationship with the other parents.

5. Claim your boundaries. Avoid family conflicts unrelated to you. Don’t give money you don’t have and don’t baby-sit when you don’t want to.

Grace adds, she doesn’t go to their home without an invitation, doesn’t call at dinnertime or after 9 p.m.

Marie Hartwell of Mexico, N.Y., says, “Be ready to apologize for any issues even though you feel you were not the cause of the problem. … Be patient.”

Finally Shari Herzog of Santa Barbara, Calif., says prayer is her best advice:

“All has not always been easy being a mother-in-law, but I try, as you do, to be encouraging, supportive, nurturing, loving, available and nonintrusive. My greatest weapon now is my constant prayer: “Lord, please put one hand around my shoulder and your other hand over my mouth.”‘

Amen.

Jane Glenn Haas writes for The Orange County (Calif.) Register. E-mail her at jghaascox.net.