Noon, ESPN2

Followed by, in order: Cheerleading, figure skating and college softball. Fair warning, guys. More than two channel surfs will constitute lifetime revocation of your Man Card.

NBA: Game 1, Wizards at Cavaliers

12:30 p.m., TNT

Two teams that wouldn’t last a week in the Western Conference playoffs.

NHL: Stanley Cup Playoffs, Devils at Lightning

1 p.m., NBC

Teams with a nickname not ending in ‘s’ should face a post-season ban. Yes, I know this would eliminate playoffs in the WNBA and MLS. You’re on to me.

MLB: Braves at Mets

1:30 p.m., TBS

Last time I watched an entire Braves game in April, Rick Mahler went the distance. America’s Team was much more charming when it sucked.

PGA: Zurich Classic, final round

3 p.m., Channel 13

Chris Couch won this tournament last year, which is ample reason to spend the next three hours following around your dog and picking up his crap.

Classic MLB: Red Sox at Devil Rays, 2000

3 p.m., NESN

Pedro pitched a one-hitter and started about six bench-clearing brawls. Looked a lot cooler than Brendan Donnelly in the process, too.

MLB: Yankees at Red Sox

8 p.m., ESPN

Because a 1 o’clock start would have stolen seven hours of John Kruk from us.