SMELLS LIKE DON KING

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson needed less than one round to whisk away the UFC light heavyweight title from Chuck “Iceman” Liddell on Saturday night. Who said mixed martial arts wasn’t on the same level as boxing? Successfully staging a pay-per-view mismatch at about $19 per minute is a giant leap.

PINSTRIPERS’ DEATH TAKES A HALLADAY

Roy Halladay is scheduled to return early to the Blue Jays’ rotation after his recent appendectomy. More bad news for the Yankees as they strive to finish third in the American League East.

RUBY, DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO JAIL

An 81-year-old woman has pleaded guilty to the attempted extortion of $2 million from Green Bay Packers legend Bart Starr. Ruby Young received only probation. Bummer. At her age, it would have been interesting to see if Texas could have counted a six-month sentence toward its death penalty statistics.

THROW THE BUM OUT

Two straight ejections have moved Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox within one of John McGraw’s all-time record. McGraw was tossed 131 times, but it’s a hollow, baseball-only distinction. Rasheed Wallace and Dennis Rodman still have McGraw and Cox beaten by a couple hundred early showers.

ARMAGEDDON IT

Manny Ramirez hit an triple Saturday night. On Sunday morning, country preachers throughout America hailed the shocking development as a sure sign of the world’s impending end.

BRAIN DRAIN

Thanks to Brent Musburger, I learned Sunday that Indianapolis 500 rookie Milka Duno has four Master’s degrees. Funny that nobody else in charge of promoting the sport mentioned that while reminding us that the female rookie from Venezuela is a whole lot prettier than Al Unser Jr.

FISH STORY

Mardy Fish is sitting out tennis’ French Open after spraining his foot while trying to kick a field goal in a visit to Rhein Fire practice last week. That’s cooler than slicing your hand trying to open a beer in a door jamb or cracking a vertebra head-butting a brick wall. But not by much.