HEALING IS 90% MENTAL AND 60% PHYSICAL

Celtics mercenary Ray Allen says the result of his recent surgery is “like having two new pairs of feet.” When your first press conference in Boston triggers more memories of Yogi Berra than Red Auerbach, it’s never a good sign.

ACTIVE SENIOR

Roger Clemens racked up No. 350 Monday. Admit it. Given that information 10 years in advance, you would have predicted it meant pounds, not wins.

GOD SPEED

The Utah Jazz agreed to release Derek Fisher from his contract so he is free to be near his 11-month-old daughter, who has cancer in her left eye. Once or twice a year, we’re slapped across the face with a story that makes our arguments and name-calling over simple games look ridiculous. This is it for 2007.

COULD YOU TAKE MY PICTURE? ‘CAUSE I WON’T REMEMBER

Alinghi retained the America’s Cup in a photo finish Tuesday. Let’s see, these yachts are a mile long, and I move more quickly to the refrigerator in pursuit of a beer at halftime. They really needed a second opinion?

ALTHOUGH IT DID HAPPEN IN “THE DUKES OF HAZZARD” ONCE

Ferrari fired a British technician after concluding that he may have sabotaged cars before the Monaco Grand Prix. So much for Yankee ingenuity. All crew chiefs in America know how to do is cheat.

NO NEED TO WAKE UP SEN. MITCHELL

Chris Benoit’s doctor has been charged with improperly prescribing drugs to patients, little more than a week after the wrestler strangled his wife and son before hanging himself. Wow, justice is swift when it involves a “sport” we’re not all nostalgic and mushy about, isn’t it?

SOBERING NEWS

Turns out Tank Johnson was .008 under the legal limit when he was pulled over under suspicion of DUI last month. You can sweat that much alcohol between the traffic stop and the police station, of course. But it probably won’t stop Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton from accusing somebody of racial profiling.

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