Matt Murphy, a New York Mets fan spending one night in San Francisco on his way to Australia, somehow scored a ticket to AT&T Park Tuesday night and found Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball at the bottom of that pig pile in center field. After the Giants fans mindlessly cheered their surly slugger over the last decade-plus while he grew to Goliath proportions, an outsider got his mitts on the big prize. God has spoken.

Crisp-y critter

The Mariner Moose won’t be punished for hitting Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp with an all-terrain vehicle during one of his comic bits on Sunday. The team determined that being stuck inside the most ridiculous mascot costume in all of professional sports is penalty enough.

Mercury rising, Phil falling

Weather at this weekend’s PGA Championship is expected to be ferociously hot, with temperatures at Southern Hills Country Club in Tulsa, Okla., possibly exceeding 100 degrees each day. Sounds like a built-in excuse for fat Phil Mickelson when he falls again to fit Tiger Woods.

Idiots in any language

UEFA, the governing body of European soccer, is investigating alleged “monkey chants” directed at African-American midfielder DaMarcus Beasley after he scored the lone goal in a Champions League qualifier Tuesday night. No way. Those enlightened, refined, morally superior Euros would never, ever do something as despicable as taunt a man because of the color of his skin, would they?

Take it from the other Brady, you’ll make up for it in endorsements

Brady Quinn finally signed with the Cleveland Browns, but the former Notre Dame quarterback sounds scarred for life by the process. “It’s awful,” he said. “There are so many things you don’t understand.” Well, here’s a quick primer: You lost out on about $15 million worth of guaranteed cake because the Browns decided getting a prototype tackle to protect your pampered butt was more important than getting you.

Is nothing sacred?

In the aftermath of suspicious betting on a match involving Nikolay Davydenko, top U.S. doubles tennis player Bob Bryan told the Los Angeles Times that he knows of players who have received anonymous calls in their hotel rooms to fix matches. Tennis, of all things. Betting scandals and point shaving are becoming such the rage that the feds are about to launch an investigation into the outcome of last year’s National Spelling Bee.

Take the money and run

ESPN reported Wednesday that both the Denver Broncos and Tampa Bay Buccaneers are trying to recover a piece of Jake Plummer’s signing bonus after the quarterback retired before fulfilling his five-year contract. The grievance reportedly seeks a combined $7 million. Hey, go easy on Jake. With that goofy mustache of his, somebody probably advised him that he could make a safer living in the adult-entertainment industry.

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