TAKE YOUR MEDICINE LIKE A MAN

Box scores tell great stories. Texas’ 30-3 obliteration of Baltimore took 3 hours, 21 minutes Wednesday night. Tampa Bay’s 2-1 pitchers’ duel over Boston: 3:06. Bless Orioles’ manager Dave Trembley for not making like Tony LaRussa and trotting out a dozen different mop-up men, including a utility infielder. Now, he’ll probably have to explaining to do to the four sacrificial lambs whose earned-run averages soared through the roof. But that’s his headache, not mine.

SONIC BOOM

Seattle SuperSonics co-owner Aubrey McClendon has been fined $250,000 by the NBA for saying publicly that his group bought the team with intentions to move it to Oklahoma City. Hey, that fine is nothing compared to the money the oil tycoon and his cronies won’t be getting from Seattle fans at the turnstiles and souvenir shop this season.

LOAD YOUR PENS AND FIRE AWAY

The NBA’s Stephon Marbury said that dogfighting is merely a sport that happens “behind closed doors” and wondered aloud why people who shoot deer aren’t subject to the same criticism as Michael Vick. Hunters, write Marbury in care of the New York Knicks, Two Pennsylvania Plaza, New York, N.Y. 10121

FIELD OF NIGHTMARES

Mt. Blue High School senior football players will play one half against their field hockey counterparts in a Saturday night exhibition before returning the favor and taking their best swing at the less familiar game. Give the Cougar guys credit for not taking themselves too seriously, but they’re going to get beaten like a drum. Field hockey is a difficult game to grasp if you’ve been watching or even playing it for a dozen years.

HE DESERVES AT LEAST AN EMMY AND A THANK-YOU CARD

According to ESPN, Jerome Bettis writes in his new book that he faked an injury in 2000 to avoid getting cut by the Pittsburgh Steelers. This makes me think no less of The Bus. Rather, I’m wondering if Bill Cowher and his coaching staff received way too much credit for their smarts over the years. All Bettis did after the Steelers apparently thought he was washed up was carry the team for another half-decade.

EAGLE DROPPINGS

First-year Boston College football coach Jeff Jagodzinski reportedly will not discipline two players who were charged with assault and battery after a July bar fight. Way to set the tone, boss. Guilty or not, you’ve got to be more careful where you hang out.

“GOVERNMENT DEFEATS TAXPAYERS” IS A LESS SURPRISING HEADLINE

Don’t want to downplay the United States’ 112-69 rout of Venezuela in the FIBA Americas hoop tournament on Wednesday night, but hello, it was Venezuela. You think they’d get fired up about a 4-0 soccer win over the U.S.? Not exactly.