Talk of the Town

Conficker
It sounds like the noise issued when you swear and sneeze at the same time. Go on, try it. But it’s nothing so fun. The Conficker, if you haven’t heard, is a computer worm that doomsayers predicted would unleash its squirmy evil across the Internet on April 1. Corporations would be crippled, they told us. Banks propped up on stimulus money would nonetheless crumble under the devilish fist of Conficker. Looters would fill the street, fire would fill the sky and only cockroaches and editors would survive in the ruins. Yada yada. It was Y2K all over again, only without the noisemakers and conical hats. April Fool’s came and we all remained standing, with our blogs, our Tweets and our Picasa photo collections intact. Whomever created the Conficker worm likely saw the anti-climax of his work from his one-bedroom apartment with the Matrix posters on the wall. He swore, sneezed and if there is any justice, fell face first into his toilet never to be heard from again. Conficker.

Choke on it
In advance of a major tax hike, legions of angry smokers stormed Victor News and other sellers of fine tobacco products. The rage in their eyes was bright enough to warm the skin. The desperation was palpable. They bought loose tobacco to roll on their own or as many packs of their favorite brand as they could afford. They turned their angry faces to the skies, upraised their hands and tried to scream their wrath loud enough to be heard in Washington. Sadly, the screams turned quickly to rapid-fire coughs, windy wheezes and various chokes and gargles.
I am a smoker too, my weed-sucking friends! Your pain is my pain! Your rage is my own! But please. Cover your mouth when you scream like that, will you buddy? I can do without your phlegm on my shirt.

Covet thy neighbor’s junk
You’ve already heard me rant about the joys and wonders of spring cleanup week. I shan’t subject you to that again. Instead, here is my new friend Daniel ranting about the joys and wonders of spring cleanup week.
Spring clean up week starts May 4th in Auburn, we know what that means… Hordes of trash pickers looking for that treasured piece of crap that will end up in their pile next year, only to be picked by someone else for the cycle to continue. The kindness of strangers picking your neat pile of garbage, throwing it all over till the front of your house looks like the front of Fred Sanford’s. You take one look at the ravage and think a guy named Lamont is going to walk in yelling, “Hey Pops.”

It’s a big building with airplanes
So, Lewiston-Auburn may get daily passenger service at the local airport. Nifty. It will be an airport staffed with the likes of Leslie Nielsen, Robert Stack and Lloyd Bridges, no doubt. Please remember that the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. No parking in the white zone.

What do you think is the talk of the town? E-mail suggested topics for this column and comments for publication to mlaflamme@sunjournal.com.