I see London,
I see France
I don’t know what it means, but thank you to the person who mailed a thong to me at the newspaper. Black and lacy, it appears clean with low mileage. There are no stickers marking the places it has been or the things it has seen. There is no cryptic note hinting at a larger panty mystery. Perhaps it is meant to convey a message, a statement asserting that my coverage of the news has become fast and loose; that my credibility hangs on a thin strip of cloth. Whatever, I like it. If you learn one thing after 15 years on the late-night news beat, it’s that panty lines can make or break a career.
Your brain on worms
The plight of the moose on Thompson Lake was very sad. The once-noble beast was emaciated and most of its fur was gone. Its hind leg was broken, and it appeared to have been wandering in a daze of suffering. The ending of the animal’s misery was a most compassionate act, but it also begs a question: Why did the world get so excited over swine flu when there is something called brain worm out there? Can you think of more horrible words to link together than brain and worm?
Yes, I can, too. But I shan’t list them here.
Customer complains of sex toys
at Spencer’s Gifts
What? Those are sex toys? I thought they were Halloween decorations. This explains a lot. I always wondered why that inflatable lady looks so surprised.
Animal fighting
It’s a pity, really, that the dogs and other animals found working in fight rings get thrown into tiny cages in stench-filled rooms. Seems to me that’s where the owners belong.
Save room
in those cages
Someone was back on the overpass on Old Webster Road in Lewiston this week hurling rocks down onto passing cars on the highway. This reminds me: The people who hurled chunks of ice through a pair of windshields over the winter were never caught. My ear is still right here for confessions or anonymous tips.
Virtual bowling
It’s all the rage, apparently. I wonder if this means we’ll also have virtual butt crack and virtual chest bumps, because Lord, those things don’t belong in the real world.
Pardon my bellicosity. It’s just that I detest bowling and have ever since the incident. 
Snack attack
Hold the phone. Lawmakers want nutritional information listed on fast food, such as that served up at McDonald’s? Ridiculous. We were given that data in third grade. It goes a little something like this:
McDonald’s is the kind of place.
They serve you rattlesnakes.
Hamburgers up your nose.
Frenchfries between your toes.