Mail carrier maces chihuahua, girl
I’m not sure I’m buying this one. Maybe it was a pit bull/great dane mix that attacked the postwoman, but the family switched it out for an ankle biter for the sake of a good story. You know, get the press all excited. If it was a chihuahua that prompted the blast, you’ve got to question the postal worker’s judgment. It’s like Chuckie, that cheesy horror movie doll from the ’80s. He may be a mean little dude, but he’s also just a foot tall. You don’t go for a weapon in that circumstance. You punt.

Music is your only friend
Remember a bunch of years ago when Britney Spears and Madonna swapped spit on stage at the music awards? And how we buzzed about it for weeks — nay, some of you for years? Or how Janet Jackson experienced that unfortunate wardrobe malfunction and displayed Jackson boob to a trillion Superbowl viewers? Yeah, now we have Kanye. Seriously, I got TIVO for this?

For everything there is a season
At the start of the off-road riding season, I came across a lovely couple in the woods doing what comes naturally in the spring. It was a special time for all of us. Now that fall is scratching at the window, all I see out there in the forest are Bates College students jogging the trails. And each of them fully dressed. We’ll list this as reason number 96.312 that spring beats the crap out of autumn any way you look at it.

Bottoms up, bottoms off
To the kindly gentleman who filled my coffee mug with Hershey’s Chocolate Kisses and a bottle of Jack Daniels, bottoms up, my friend. To the (I presume) lady who sent along a second pair of panties, I’ll just go ahead and offer the same sentiment.

People of WalMart
If you value your time, whatever you do don’t go to peopleofwalmart.com and start poking around.

Patrick Swayze
Go in peace you bank-robbing, wave-riding, knife-fighting, butt-kicking stud, you. Way to take on the FBI, the Soviet army, all those nasty booze hounds and pretty boy Socs from the South Side. Swayze is dead but Bodhi and Dalton live on. We forgive you for Dirty Dancing.

Lewy has feelings, too
To the nice older fellow who posted a message referring to me as a maniac: you think you’re insulting me but the only one offended is our local hockey mascot. He’s pretty angry about the whole thing, frankly. Looked like he took to drinking. Good luck with that. 

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