Everybody must get stoned
In Lewiston Tuesday, police were called for a group of kids who were throwing rocks at themselves. Not at each other or at strangers, at themselves. The athletic agility necessary to hurl something at yourself with any sort of velocity is just staggering. No, really. Go outside and try it. And then, once you come around, embrace the awesome realization that we’re surrounded by people who are just that talented.

Letterman wannabe
You know, rumors circulated around here a short time ago that I was similarly involved in sexual affairs with underlings. I defended myself from the crass accusations by pointing out that on the ladder of importance here at the newspaper, nobody is beneath me. Take that, extortionists!

An Olympic cheer?

When word got around that Chicago will not be host to the 2016 Olympics, a group at a meeting for Americans for Prosperity erupted in applause. They probably applaud as a matter of routine when that kid is forced to shoot his dog Yella, when Darth Vader blows up the planet and when the shark eats Quint right off his boat, as well. I wonder which country these people will be rooting for when the actual games get under way. Go Rio, I guess.

A true story

A trooper stopped a motorcycle, traveling north on Route 26 in Gray, that had no working tail lights. The operator smelled of intoxicating beverages and was administered sobriety tests. The driver refused to perform the walk and turn test as well as the one leg stand test.

Despite the operator’s extensive vocabulary of derogatory adjectives which he used to describe Trooper Bureau, he was also unable to write or recite the English alphabet. Trooper Bureau arrested him for operating under the influence. He was transported to the Cumberland County Jail.

While en route the level of his impairment, as well as his irrational behavior, continued to escalate. By the time Trooper Bureau was about to administer the intoxylizer test, the operator refused to take the test and passed out on the floor in the booking room. Trooper Bureau attempted to gain his attention to read implied consent; however he was too intoxicated and no longer coherent at this time.

Intake deputies brought him into the detox cell where he again passed out on the cement floor.

NASA crafts slam into moon
Oh, that doesn’t sound like the start of a B movie at all. It seems like good science until we wake up the lizard people and they come and eat our pets.