Bag Lady and Shopping Siren are off scouting stores outside L-A to shop at over the next few weeks — or so they claim. It’s a wild and apparently wonderful road trip, but sans iPhone, wi-fi enabled netbook or ability to psychically transfer thoughts to their in-box, so it’s left their editor column-less this week.

Well.

Except for the bunch of yet-to-be-sent letters he unearthed from a pile of Lindt wrappers and dog-eared canine products catalogues found under their desks. (Christmas may be two months away, but damp pages 12 and 42 suggest the Dobermans are already drooling over pig ears and squeaky mailmen). The letters are mostly open missives to retailers, as well as one to cable channel VH1 and one to you, dear readers. They’re not all sweet nothings.

No postage applied and an immediate need for column material. You can see how this happened.

— The management

Dear Kittery,

I think it’s best if we keep seeing other people.

Bag Lady and friends ran into your arms last weekend to find outletting solace after a disappointing trip to North Conway last spring. Despite having the retail upper hand with Anne Taylor, Jones New York, J.Jill, Nine West, Liz Claiborne and Lucky Jeans, the experience with you just wasn’t the same. All that driving from plaza to plaza only to find stock, and prices, that didn’t have us reaching for our wallets. And make no mistake — we wanted to spend irrationally.

So now, you see, somehow, Freeport’s gotten our number. We might just hear them out.

Thanks for the forced savings,

Bag Lady

Dear Avon,

It’s not enough to say Patrick Dempsey smells delightful. We’re afraid you have to prove it.

A marketing mailer for “Patrick Dempsey II” cologne made its way to the newspaper this week, a three-page, beach-sexy photo shoot with the write-up: “The Original Spicy fragrance blends surprising, enticing spices with hints of wood and musk to convey the feeling of a powerful connection and reveal a more sensual side of Dempsey.”

There was info on price ($35 for 2.5 oz.). And availability (November 2009.) But not one scratch-and-sniff square.

We’ll be the judge of whether Patrick’s truly revealing his more sensual side — and if it’s worth paying for.

Awaiting a whiff,

Bag Lady & Shopping Siren

Dear VH1,

What. The. Hell.

Bag Lady took loads of guff from Mr. Bag Lady for watching “Real Chance of Love 2,” the dating show with brothers Real and Chance and a household of mostly hot messes. I watched thinking, yes, these guys are over-the-top, and these dames are too much, but it’s fun and they all seemed, at the root, sincere. Exhibitionists and allegedly talented musicians need love, too.

I rooted for Hot Wings and Doll, proclaimed the winners of Chance and Real’s hearts, respectively, on Monday night. Immediately after, I went to the show’s Web site, read interviews with both contestants … and discovered that, to both ladies’ surprise, neither man so much as called either woman after filming the show finale in June.

Not. One. Call.

What a joke. How riling, disillusioning and tacky — not the least because Mr. Bag Lady was right.

VH1, this sucker is out of here.

Never again,

Bag Lady

Dear Maine Mall, 

Shopping Siren understands the need to pinch pennies. Really. I do.

But in what universe does closing down on the biggest shopping night of the year make financial sense for a shopping mall? 

You’ve opened at midnight on Thanksgiving for years. Sure, the big guys didn’t roll up the iron gates and break out the cash registers until 5 a.m. or so, but the smaller retailers welcomed shoppers. That meant business for stores like FYE, Claire’s, GameStop and that little Christmas store that pops up every season but whose name I can never remember. Good stores. Good shopping. Good way to work off three helpings of turkey and mashed potatoes. 

But there will be no Midnight Madness this year. You said, reportedly, that your stores weren’t making enough money to make the overnight shopping extravaganza worth it. Well, there’s opening and making a little money. Then there’s closing and making no money. 

And then there’s closing, making no money and angering hordes of loyal customers.

Like me. 

So my best shopping friends and I will take our Christmas cash someplace else for Black Friday. I hear both Freeport and Kittery stores will be open. They, apparently, think we night shoppers are worth it. And I think that’s worth giving them our business (even if Kittery did disappoint recently. A shot at redemption!).

You said you haven’t ruled out bringing back Midnight Madness next year. Pshaw. Don’t even worry about it.

Once your shoppers go elsewhere, you won’t have to open at all.

Moving on,

Shopping Siren

Dear loyal readers, 

The Maine Press Association recently named Bliss Thru Shopping one of the best newspaper columns in the state — bested only by James McCarthy at the Times Record.

We have thanked our editors. We thank L-A retailers. But we also wanted to thank you. Without Bliss readers, we’d just be a couple of ladies with a bad shopping habit.

So thank you for reading every week. For telling us when you like something and when you don’t. For sharing your steals, deals and retail tidbits, and for letting us share ours.

Yours truly, and happily,

Bag Lady & Shopping Siren   

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want the makers of pig ears to know they’re ready and willing to taste test any new flavors) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected]