Fashion police IV: A new year begins

Somewhere in Lewiston, a woman reported that a man in red pants and a black jacket was making a pass at her. We’re not sure if the romantic overture was objectionable, but the outfit surely was. It is generally agreed that the only time red pants are acceptable is if you happen to be cutting down trees deep in the forest, making toys with elves or if you are Eddie Murphy and it’s 1983.

Five-alarm letdown

The eerie tone came over the police scanner early in the evening, a high series of screeches that typically mark the beginning of dire breaking news. It’s loud and frightening because the emergency staff sending it out wants its crews to be aware of the horrific announcement to come. It could be a downed spacecraft. It could be an asteroid strike or an explosion at a puppy orphanage. But this one wasn’t. This one was from a fire station reporting that its potluck supper would be held at the rescue station at eighteen-thirty hours. Thanks for the adrenaline rush, yahoos. And don’t think of bringing a three-bean casserole to the supper. I’ve got that covered.

It isn’t fare

On Wednesday night in the Twin Cities, a suspect seen shoplifting from a local store had to wait for a cab before making his getaway. Could have been worse. It could have happened in Rumford, where cab drivers don’t get away with anything.

McLoser

In Paris, a loathsome thief burned down a Ronald McDonald House charity box and stole the loot inside. I don’t know about you, but this one made me Grimace.

Tax forms in short supply

Which can only mean one thing. Before long, you’ll see them being peddled on street corners and in dusty tenements along with crack cocaine and Vicodin. Because man, when people get a jones to add lines B and E and then divide against withholdings listed in lines G and Q, they’ll do anything to get that fix.

Avatar

This is the latest BEST MOVIE EVER that I haven’t seen yet. I don’t know what it’s about, but it seems to feature sexy, blue cats, and I’m a fan of those. Right now, anything being shown in 3D is just super popular and that surprises me some. I’ve spent most of my life in three physical dimensions and, really. It’s been pretty damn dull.

Motion denied
To the six thousand, four hundred and eight people who wrote to ask me about the lawyer pictured on page B1 of our Friday paper: No, I don’t know her. And no, I don’t have her telephone number. I had no idea so many of you were in such desperate need of legal representation.

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