The classified ad read like this: “TOILET SEAT: used, good condition, free to good home.” The seller tells me it took two days before someone snatched this up as other shoppers were no doubt balancing the awesomeness of “free” with the potential grisliness of “used.” The problem is that there’s no way to get an honest assessment of how many miles a toilet seat has on it and what kind of miles they were. If you’re buying an automobile you can refer to Carfax. Clearly, the same type of service is needed for toilet seats, a Canfax, if you will. With a few keyboard strokes, the potential buyer could discover crucial information, such as whether the seat was used primarily by standees or sitees, and if it was involved in any major accidents. That way, you don’t have to sit on your decision whether to buy or not to buy. You can make your move and hope that everything works out in the end.

Medical marijuana

An all-natural ingredient used to treat the pain and discomfort of various maladies instead of expensive prescription drugs and/or alcohol. It’s just outlandish. We don’t want people sitting at home treating themselves quietly with herbs when they could be out drinking and crashing into things.

Couple living on Sabattus Lake

If the shack is a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking. Because the ice is quite likely about to break.

Relaxed dentistry

Everywhere I look, I see an ad for this kind of service. How do they get you to relax while they’re ripping parts of you out by the roots, I wonder. Heroin? Relaxed dentistry is a term that makes about as much sense to me as “stress-free waterboarding” or “a soothing taser.”

iPad

At last, a device that brings out the inner Beavis and Butthead in all of us. It’s just too bad Apple isn’t using the Mac brand name for this one. Then it would be called Mac’s iPad. And if you say that really fast, it’s just darn good fun.

Dogged pursuit

An Auburn store reported a woman had fled the business Tuesday night after stealing hard lemonade, Beneful dog food and pigs ears. Fortunately, the thief was caught in the parking lot after a witness commanded her to heel and roll over. All in all it was an easy collar.

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