Jesus is Lord. Not a swear word.

Saw this written on the side of a tractor-trailer, and two things occurred to me. The first was that it looks like it should rhyme but it doesn’t, which is strangely disappointing. Secondly, what do you suppose is being hauled around in a rig bearing that kind of message? Rulers to rap the wrists of heathens? Soap with which to wash out your potty mouth? I didn’t stick around to find out. Just muttered “Jeezum Crow” and kept on driving.

Groundhog predicts six more weeks

Pudgy little son of a … But no. I shan’t direct my wrath at an animal who is misused to begin with. Better to focus it on the dimwits who invented this miserable tradition in the first place. An animal who is sprung from a cage and released to the many-eyed gaze of the news cameras will always try to run and hide. Someone ought to teach that creature judo. Kee-ya! Watcha! Aiyee! Six more weeks of whoop-ass, morons!

Snowmobile models in Norway!

I’ve never seen so many guys weep so helplessly over one photograph in the newspaper. It was a delightful glimpse at more than a dozen girls in bikinis, and the last that most of these lechers will see for five long months before beach season. Poor slobs. The only other opportunities they have to ogle girls without five layers of winter clothing on would get them arrested. Or at best, doused with chemical spray.

Dirty, rotten crooks

At a Lewiston laundromat, a pair of thieves busted into a soap dispenser and stole all the change from inside. They made a clean getaway.

I’m sorry, but it had to be said.

Stop! In the name of the law!

Police in Lewiston Wednesday were on the lookout for a suspect described as 6 feet tall, 150 pounds. Dude with those dimensions just needs to put on a big, red hat and they’ll never find him. COP: “I’m at Bartlett and Birch and there’s no sign of the suspect anywhere. Go ahead and call the highway department, though. The stop sign down here just sneezed.”

Nature’s bad boys

In Auburn, police responded to a report that a burglar was making a ruckus while plotting a break-in. What the cops found was a raccoon in a garage. The suspect couldn’t be identified. No matter how they tried, the officers couldn’t get the eye mask off.

How to not get any work done

You survived peopleofwalmart.com. Congratulations. If you want to keep that win streak going, for God’s sake, don’t so much as glimpse at lamebook.com.

Political ambitions, ay?

Former Lewiston city manager Jim Bennett is headed to Presque Isle to take over as city manager. Phase three in his plot to overthrow the Canadian government.