So much for

A year ago, we brought you the mystery of The Apples on Brother Doug Taylor’s Porch. It was a tale that had it all: veiled biblical messages; political intrigue, possibly the devil himself strutting up and down Bates Street. Someone – or some thing – was flinging apples onto the good reverend’s porch. Each apple had a bite taken out of it, and long hours were spent trying to deduce what this act was meant to symbolize. A reference to the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden? A tirade against the Apple company and its many products? For a year, it remained a mystery, which is a decent shelf life for an enigma.

Alas, it has since been solved. The source of the apples was not some silent protester or atheist malcontent. It was a young man who lives in an apartment with his mom and who is required to eat a certain amount of fruit each day. Tired of eating the bland apples that overran his diet, he began chucking them out the window after just one bite in an attempt to fool his vigilante mother. Many, if not all of those apples, made it across the street and bounced consistently onto Brother Doug’s porch. Which is just pure physics and not the hand of some great, mischievous being. I mean, right?

Old people turning to pot

This explains why Aunt Jane has been laughing so maniacally over old episodes of JAG. It also explains why she is called that, when her real name is Ruth. Apparently “Aunt Jane” is her street name. And now, good times are at hand. From now on, when Gramma visits, expect her to offer you a Werther’s Original and a bong hit.

Olympic hockey: USA beats Canada

The Canadians are so PO’d, they’re considering raising the drinking age so obnoxious teenage Americans can’t head north to party anymore.

More Olympic ideas

It’s too bad street hockey wasn’t an Olympic sport. Every 10 minutes: “Car!”

The great (extremely) white hope

Saw a shirtless dude in a downtown Lewiston store just the other day. It was 30 degrees out, so he probably wasn’t going to the beach. I can only surmise he was auditioning for an episode of “Cops.” Good luck with that, Sport.

Flinching legislation

So, let me get this straight. Lawmakers want to crack down on motorcycles with loud pipes. But they’re afraid of the powerful bike lobby, so instead of going right at the problem, legislators will instead demand that all bikers slap ugly inspection stickers on their wheels. That’s punishing the whole to target the few, which is known in the legal vernacular as “an extremely sissy thing to do.”

Luiggi’s has a new sign!!

Hey, if you don’t thrill easy, it doesn’t happen often.

Spare the rod, call the cops

On Wednesday, a man taking care of a pair of boys called police because one lad kept hitting the other. Cops immediately investigated and found that the dispute apparently involved one boy being rubber and the other being glue. It gets murky from there as the law of “I know you are, but what am I?” came into play.

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