Do as I say, not as I eat

At Hannaford in Lewiston, a stranger approached me in the checkout line to commend me about something I had written for that day’s paper. It was a bleeding heart piece about the treatment of chickens as they are prepared for the market. “I liked it,” the mustachioed man said. “It shows you have a conscience.”

Unfortunately, I also have an appetite. Among my items waiting to be rung up was a four-pound package of chicken thighs. My shame is great.

It happened in a Denny’s bathroom

Back in the day, most of my diary entries started that way. But this time, I’m talking about the transgender who was ordered out of the woman’s room. Shake it off, Briana. The problem, likely, is that as you make the transformation into womanhood, you’ve retained your male restroom mentality. That is, you go in, do your business and get out. Ridiculous. Once you learn to spend a half-hour in front of the mirror, adjusting your makeup, gossiping about other diners, going over weekend sales, etc., you’ll be welcomed in any ladies room in the country.

Shots fired in downtown Lewiston!

No. It was just firecrackers. And how many times is this going to happen between now and the Fourth? The pyrotechnics people need to design fireworks that make a noise completely unlike that of gunfire. Maybe DOINK! instead of BANG! Or ACHOO! instead of KABOOM! Or maybe the pyrotechnics could explode personal messages instead of boring pops and bangs. LARGER SIZE COUPLE, DISEASE FREE, SEEKS SAME FOR FUN AND COMPANIONSHIP! NO KIDS A PLUS! For instance. It would still cause you to sit bolt upright in your bed at 3 in the morning, but at least you’ll meet new friends and enhance your social life.

Thorncrag

They did it. They really did it. They banned dogs from their acreage. How about that? It’s all good, though. I’m sure it’s just a step toward their master plan: opening up the entire sanctuary to dirt bikes.

A frightening trend

Following in the footsteps of the Thorncrag fiefdom, the people of Lake Auburn announced today that they will ban fish from their waters. The gilled creatures have 30 days to comply or face stiff fines.

Kennedy Park in Lewiston

Will no longer allow frisbees, benches, pigeons or trees.

The Colisee

Will slap a ban on giant foam fingers and people who paint team colors on any part of their bodies.

And the cemeteries

You guessed it. No dead folks allowed.

My drift

I’m pretty sure you get it.

Dog day afternoon

In Lewiston, a dude who ran from local police picked a hell of a day to do it. Down the road, a small army of cops and their dogs were training. As soon as he started hoofing, there were a dozen dogs behind him. The lesson: Never wear Milkbone underwear if you have warrants out. (Special thanks to Norm Peterson, of Boston.)

Signs

In Auburn, on Broad Street, a homeowner set up two handmade signs in the front yard. One cleverly uses Glenn Aho’s name in a childhood song and the other offers an opinion on the local welfare situation. You have to get right on top of the signs before you can read them, which leads me to suggest that the sign creator invest in a Magic Marker. Unless he or she is trying to convey that times are so tough, even small things like markers and crayons are out of reach. In which case: Bravo!

Good girls, bad drivers

Do you know a young lady who is just an atrocious driver? Who can’t resist sending texts and checking e-mails at 65 mph? Who routinely posts her crash photos as they happen on Facebook and Twitter? Who once caused a nine-car pileup while putting on eyeliner? Is that young lady your daughter? Is it you? Tell us all about it. We don’t need names or other incriminating evidence. We’re not cops. We’re just here to listen. Send your hair-raising stories to bsec@sunjournal.com or mlaflamme@sunjournal.com

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