From the scanner

Early in the week came a report that a man broke into someone’s apartment, stole shoes and a suit, and was walking around downtown wearing the suit and shoes while carrying two buckets.

Where are you going, son? To the office to milk some cows?

The dude would have been fine if he hadn’t felt the need to get all prettied up. You can get away with walking around that neighborhood carrying a pair of buckets. I’ve seen stranger things down there. But a suit will make a guy stand out like a lesion down there.

Dustin Pedroia out for six weeks

During that time, the plucky second baseman will return to his former profession: Keebler elf.

Love is in the airwaves

There were so many lurid calls over the police scanner the past two weeks, it’s a surprise dispatchers didn’t start playing adult movie music in the background. Men were reported doing nasty things with their girlfriends, with their neighbors and by themselves. That’s Lewiston, for you. One day it’s Whoville out there, the next we’re all on the set of “Caligula.” Which stars Peter O’ Toole, just so you’ll know.

Teen sailor back from voyage

How many of her classmates are trying to date this girl? I mean, her dad sends her out in a boat in January and expects her back like, someday in the fall. The girl’s curfew is pretty much non-existent.

In the dumps

Highlight of the week for me: getting kicked out of the Lewiston dump. Rotten sons-a- … Now where am I going to shop for an anniversary gift?

Foiled again!

In Lewiston this week, I came upon a girl’s bike that had been laid across the railroad tracks. I pulled the little bike to safety, but there was no sign of the villain in the tall hat and pointy mustache.

Is that Doctor Heimlich or Dr. Love?

In another patch of woods, I rode upon a couple in a very passionate embrace along a path. Looked like the dude was trying to help the young lady clear a chunk of bread from her windpipe. So engrossed were they in their work, they never heard me buzzing along until I was right on top of them (not literally.) My advice: Get your hearing checked. And pick up some protection while you’re at it.

Creature feature

To the fellow who called to report something that wasn’t an alligator lurking in Lake Auburn: Please call me back. I need to hear more before deciding whether to call Kolchak in on this one. While we wait, might as well begin working on what to call the Lake Auburn monster when it’s eventually discovered. You go first.

Ooh, la la

Had to track down an off-duty Lewiston cop the other day to ask a hard-hitting journalist question. Where do you suppose I found the macho flat foot? At the gym? Firing range? Taser practice? Nossir. He was heading into the Lady Gaga concert in Boston. I’m going to give the dude the benefit of the doubt and assume he was on an undercover assignment. The alternative is just unspeakable.

Hippies and environmentalists

The former will gather at the Nateva festival this weekend, the latter at Coplin Plantation. They’re not so different, these groups. Each is very passionate about the greenery.