Door-to-door

Bunch of people arrested for knocking on doors and trying to sell cleaning products. What is this, 1953? Next thing you know, there’s a spate of births of children who look a lot like the Fuller Brush man. You know what they say about traveling salesmen.

Yeah, I don’t, either.

Tax-free Lisbon

Some rabble-rouser is encouraging residents to skip their tax bills this year. Just hold the phone, outlaws. Are the awesome ATV trails of Lisbon funded by tax dollars? They’re not? Well then, sure. Skip those taxes. What’s the worst that could happen?

Lady Gaga’s meat dress

She thinks she’s so hot. Let’s see her try that during a visit to the animal shelter.

Mark LaFlamme likes your mother.

I’m sorry, I thought this was Facebook.

You gonna eat that?

On a bench in front of the newspaper, someone left a coffee mug and a lunch pail. Either it’s some kind of reporter trap or Ed Norton has been working the sewers in Lewiston.

Got milk?

A New Gloucester man is missing a pair of cows. If I had to guess, I’d say he could find pieces of them sashaying across a stage this weekend in Charlotte, N.C. (I was able to pull that information up so fast because, as Northeast president of the Gaga Fan Club, I get up to-the-minute scheduling.)

John Jenkins for Governor, President, Supreme Commander

This wily politician is at his most potent when he does nothing at all. Takes a nap, wakes up mayor. Joins Facebook, ends up in the governor’s race. Lord knows what might happen if the dude were to go on vacation. There’s no I in “White House,” you know.

Crap. There is.

Auburn Mall for sale

The Auburn what, now?

Getting medieval

In Lewiston, somebody stole a Makita grinder and cigarettes from a car. Makes you kind of wonder what the guy will do to the thief if he ever finds him.

When good nerds go bad

Also in Lewiston, someone broke into another car and stole a pocket protector and paperwork. Police are looking for a suspect with high-water pants and eyeglasses held together by tape.